boundaries

The Tolerations Checklist was fantastic.  I had so many things that I was tolerating.  One of my friends being too clingy, one of my friends being a bit of a dick, one of my friends only talking to me via texts when she was drunk, having to parent my dad, having no space to myself, the pushy lady at the spa who wouldn’t give me the chance to talk about getting a refund for a series of treatments I’d ordered that I didn’t want anymore, and the list went on and on.

There was something freeing about writing these things down.  Instead of lurking in the depths of my awareness, by writing them down they were brought to the fore.  And this made me start acting on them.

I talked to my friend who was being too clingy and told her I appreciated her as a friend and as a person and how much she’d supported me in the past, but I was just processing so much after this last year, and this summer, and I just really needed my own space right now, and I couldn’t be there for her right now.  I would be able to in the future again, I just didn’t know when.  She took this extremely well and was grateful to be communicating (she probably had no idea that I’d felt that way) and told me she was sorry if she’d pressured me, and to just let her know when I felt ready to hang out again.

I went in to the spa and talked to the pushy lady’s assistant (the pushy lady herself was away for two weeks) and was very firm about needing a refund.  The assistant kept telling me she wasn’t authorized to do it, but I finally got her to check with her higher-up and get the okay, and she refunded my card.

I confronted my friend who was being a dick and told him that the comments he’d made were completely unacceptable, and if he wanted to stay friends he needed to stop talking like that.  He also apologized.

Some things were going on in my romantic relationship too.  After having the most amazing time together in LA, Jess had suddenly been really off with me this whole week.  On Friday night, after a week of practicing being more assertive, I decided to bring it up.  I told him he’d been really grumpy with me all week and I wanted to know what was going on, I felt ignored and unappreciated.

It turns out a whole stew of things had been going on for him that I hadn’t known about.  His best friends had just moved across the country, he was trying to get back into the swing of classes and homework, felt he might need more space to himself, and then a big one, he was considering going travelling abroad for a year, in the future, and if he decided to do that might not be able to continue having a relationship with me.  But it was all up in the air still.

Well, of course that threw me for a loop.  I told him so, and told him how I felt about it all, and how I felt about everything being on the fence (I didn’t like it), and about how I felt about him (totally in love), and brought up possible solutions or other approaches to the travelling/long distance quandary.  It didn’t bring any of the answers that I was craving so badly, but at least we were communicating.

At the same time I was moving back into my old apartment.  For the last year after my dad had the stroke I have been living with him to take care of him, but slowly I built up a very competent team of caregivers that he has bonded well with, and they were now on a 24/7 shift schedule with him, so I could slowly start moving back into my own life.  However, this was hard for my dad.  My dad’s biggest fear has always been being alone, and even though the caregivers are around all the time providing good company for him, I’m sure this started flaring up again.  I told him I’d be spending more time at my apartment, and probably sleeping there (my apartment is five minutes down the road from his), but I also arranged to do Daddy-daughter dates Mondays and Thursdays where we would have dinner and then I’d help him get ready for bed and tuck him in.  Despite this, Dad was still sad about me being at the apartment less.  After just one day had gone by, he told me he was missing me so much, and he really wanted to see me again.  This was hard, because I felt terribly guilty for leaving.  On the other hand, I’m 26, and I needed to start getting my life back after a whole year of putting it completely on hold.

This weekend I was also supposed to do a motorcycle training class to learn how to ride.  I got to the first class just fine, and did great, but the second day my road was closed off due to a marathon and I was 45 minutes late to the class.  Even though I gave them the policeman’s card who had told me I couldn’t leave, they had a strict late policy, and my instructor was a square, so they wouldn’t let me finish the course.  This was the last straw in my already stressful weekend, and I drove a little ways, then pulled over and cried.  It was early in the morning so no one was awake, and even if they were, who could I call? I was raising my standards and that meant there were a lot of “friends” I no longer really considered friends anymore.  I had put a lot on Jess in the last few months, but I couldn’t talk to him right now because a). he was asleep and b). he was part of the problem.  Out of desperation, I tried calling my mom, but that went terribly.  She seems to have turned to her hippy friends for consolation from her problems lately, and now she talks just like them.  I was told the universe seems to be shifting things around for me, and I should go out and listen to the wisdom my horses have to offer.  I told her I had to go.  Finally I texted TC that I was having a terrible weekend and she called me and we talked for probably about a half hour.

She calmed me down and told me she wanted me to go home and spend the rest of the day doing things that were nice just for me.  “I want you to have a self-care day,” she said.  “Whatever it is that makes you feel good.  You can’t control Jess.  You can’t control your dad, or your mom.  But you can control you.  So whether it’s watching movies and eating ice cream, or having a hot bath, or whatever, I want you to go home and do that.”

I explained that I really wanted to watch movies, but the TV cables weren’t set up yet, and the furniture was all in disorder, and my suitcases weren’t even unpacked, and there wasn’t any food at the apartment.  “I want to pamper myself, but nothing’s set up to do it with,” I protested.

“Look, don’t worry about unpacking for today,” was her answer.  “I know you want to get your apartment all cute and organized, and you will, but not today, and probably not tomorrow.  Just make sure you have the basics, set up a little corner in one of the rooms that’s yours, and camp out in it.  Just get the basic what you need to take care of you.”

Then it struck me that I’d been taking care of other people so long I didn’t even know what I would want to do that was relaxing and nice for myself.  The whole concept seemed a little mind-boggling to me.

“So what you’re telling me,” said TC.  “Is that you’ve put your own life on the shelf and you put it up so high and for so long that you’ve forgotten where you put it or what’s even up there.”

That was exactly it.  I needed to get it back down and wipe that dust off.

We talked a little more until she was sure I was calm and focused again.  I drove back home.  I still couldn’t get back to my apartment because of the marathon, but I finally parked some blocks away and just walked back.  I had a long, hot bath with candles, and spent the afternoon reading my book (which I haven’t gotten to do since I can’t remember when), and then my best girlfriend brought wine and snacks over and we had a good girl talk.  This was Sunday, and TC and I would continue the self-care lesson the following day.

Be A Fierce Boundary Setter

Boundaries are rules that we communicate to others what we will and will not accept from them.  The boundaries that we establish for ourselves create a framework for who we are with the people we re close to.  The are the outward expression of how we see ourselves.  They define what is important to us, where our priorities lie, and how how expect to be treated.  They teach others how they can show respect for us. They come from a firm sense of commitment to what we truly value, and they are only possible if we respect ourselves enough to insist upon them.  Strong boundaries allow us the opportunity to get what we need and want in relationships.  Firm boundary setting is essential to maintaining long-lasting and healthy relationships.  Some of us will end a relationship because we feel stepped on rather than establishing strong boundaries so we can stay.  If you catch yourself thinking that this boundary stuff seems ‘mean’ or Selfish, remember that by communicating what you need and insisting that you be respected, you are building an enduring foundation for your relationships.  As you strengthen your own foundation, you will find that you attract people with strong foundations as well.  By taking yourself seriously enough to establish boundaries, you are modeling healthy behavior for the people you care about most.

How do you establish a boundary and make it stick?  The following are five clear steps to successfully establishing boundaries.  Each step is essential to the process. They are;

1. Clearly identify you boundaries for yourself and know when they are being challenged or stepped over. Go beyond that general sense of discomfort when you are with certain people in certain situations.  Ask yourself what specific behavior is causing you your discomfort and whether it is reasonable to expect that behavior to stop.  At this point you may decide that the problem is not about boundaries at all but an unresolved issue from your past instead.  If you are clear that it’s a boundary issue move to the next step.

2. Inform the person about the behavior you find unacceptable and ask them to stop. Please do not expect them to know.  They don’t.  You have to tell them.  That is best done at a calm and relaxed time, not during an argument or in the middle of a stressful situation-probably not when they are in the middle of stepping over your boundary, you will most likely be feeling angry or victimized at that time.  Wait for a neutral time when you can speak clearly, evenly and confidently.  Be very matter of fact.  Don’t blame.  Don’t bring up excessive past history.  Don’t say too much.  Just ask them to stop.  Act as if this is the first time you have mentioned this, even if it is not.

3. State the consequences of their behavior if they do not stop.  Boundary setting without this step is called nagging.  When you complain about a behavior over and over again without any consequence to the other, you waste time and energy.  You destroy your image as a happy positive person.  You do not get what you want.  People stop listening to you.  You feel defeated, disregarded and nasty.  The purpose of the consequence is to let the other person know that you are serious, to shift the problem to their shoulder if they disregard your request, and to protect you from the negative behavior you do not like.  The consequence needs to fit the crime, make sense, and be something you are willing to deliver.  If you are excited about the consequence because it seems so right, then you are on the right track.  Be creative!

4. Remind them once the behavior occurs again. Everyone deserves a bit of grace.  They are probably not used to this more assertive you.  Remember-you do not need to feel angry.  You are in control here.  You have the perfect consequence to fall back on if you need to.

5. If the behavior continues, follow through with the consequence. I’m pretty sure you will have to take this step at least once.  That is why the consequence you choose is so important.  If you do not feel good about it, you will not do it.  Empty threats spoil the whole routine.  You may even need to go through with the consequence on more than one occasion.  If you feel protected completely by your consequence.

One example of this process in action follows: You become aware that your spouse tends to raise his or her voice when you are having a disagreement and that you do not like the yelling.  Once this is clear to you, you find an appropriate time to tell him/her, ‘I don’t like it when you yell at me when we are having a conversation.  Will you please stop.  The next time this situation occurs, you tell him/her, remember, I don’t like it when you yell at me.  If you don’t stop, I’m going to leave the room.  If the yelling continues, you follow through and leave the room.

All of this requires careful thought and planning.  I recommend writing out the words you will say if you are unused to standing up for yourself, you are very timid, or fear you will get angry and say things you don’t really want to say.  Doing a role-play with your coach or a friend is very helpful preparation.  Begin with just one situation and see how this goes for you.  Your first attempts may feel awkward, but as you get more comfortable with this process, you will find that your boundaries become more natural and easy to establish.

Jess and I spent the weekend soaking up the sun in LA and flew back to Portland on Sunday night.  Even though I’d only just had our first session on Saturday, I wanted to get started into our routine right away, so I arranged with TC to start our first phone session on Monday (from then on we would “meet” on the phone every Monday at 12).

I was so excited from all the new information about boundaries I’d been given on Saturday that I was chomping at the bit to roll with this.  I’d already thought of two big boundaries for my life: no more sloppy drunk behavior from my friends, if they wanted to stay my friends, and people aren’t allowed to yell at me.  I wanted to make more! The more I thought about boundaries, the more defined my life felt.  It was something I’d always been missing.

I especially wanted to set some boundaries with my mom.  My mom is the sweetest woman in the world, and I love her more than anything, however she’s also extremely needy and clingy, and I think all the recent goings on with my dad had kind of pushed her over the edge into a world of denial.  (My parents got divorced six years ago after 33 years although have stayed friends, but since that my mom has also had to deal with my dad’s seriously crazy, bitchy girlfriends, and now the stroke that has completely changed him physically and mentally).  As soon as I got on the phone to TC for our session that day I brought this idea up to TC.

“Whoa, there,” TC said.  “Let’s slow down.  It’s great you’re so excited about setting boundaries, but your relationship with your mom is an extremely important one.  Let’s practice setting boundaries and being assertive on some less important ones first.”

Oh yeah – she was right.  In all my excitement about boundaries I forgot my mom is also insecure and ultra sensitive.  Not a good combination for a boundaries beginner.

“I want you to keep working on your boundaries,” TC told me, “but let’s not jump off the high dive before we can swim.  First, let me give you some terms to think about.”

I wrote them down in my notebook while she told me.

1.     Boundaries

2.     Standards

3.     Toleration

“Each supports the other and each builds on the other,” TC explained.  She gave me an analogy of a teacup filled with tea.  “The tea is your life essence, your energy, and for every one thing you tolerate, you get one crack in the side of the tea cup.  Each crack starts draining away your energy.  You have to raise your standards and set boundaries around those standards to repair the cracks and strengthen the sides of the cup so your energy is protected.”

TC sent me a Tolerations Checklist, which was a list I should make of all the things that I’m tolerating in my life right now, from big important things to the minutest annoyance.  “Even if they’re things you can’t change,” she said.  “Just write them down.”  The Tolerations Checklist was something she said she does also every so often.  “It’s just good for checking in with your boundaries and standards.  There may be things you’re tolerating that are draining away your energy that you don’t even realize.”

Again, the phone session was perfect.  There was nothing I felt I was missing from not seeing TC in person.  We talked about my relationships with my friends, and ideas for how to talk to them assertively and communicate my new boundaries without being angry, or also taking to lower road of avoidance.  The hour went by quickly under TC’s guidance, and before long it was time to finish up.

I went straight to my email and started filling in the Tolerations Checklist.

Meeting TC:

Saturday afternoon at last rolled around.  It was a sunny and hot Saturday afternoon, unsurprising in Los Angeles.

I’m not generally a person who gets nervous at first meetings.  I feel like I make a good impression.  I’m great with parents, fabulous at interviews.  I don’t generally carry pre-conceived judgments about people, and I generally like people on first impression (sometimes to my detriment).  I was excited to meet TC after hearing so much about her and feeling sure that she was the one person right now who could really get my life on fast track to where I wanted it to be.  Still, it’s always a little bit unnerving to meet someone who is so famous for what they do, and, according to Jess, a real ass-kicker.  Although our phone conversation had been warm and laid back, I still had an image in my mind of TC as some sort of female, picture-perfect Terminator.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised, and relieved, to walk into her office to find calming zen fountains, a comfortable sofa and chairs, and the room painted in darker, calming tones, with lamps in the corners for atmospheric but not intrusive light.  TC herself was sat behind her desk as we walked in and jumped up to welcome us.  She was smaller and slimmer than I imagined, but even warmer and friendlier than my impression of her had been over the phone.  She was even wearing fantastic heels, “for my sake, I knew you’d appreciate them,” she said.  My lingering image of her as the Terminator vanished.  She seemed achievement oriented, yet down-to-earth at the same time.  I immediately felt like she was someone I could connect to.

Jess left to wait for me outside and TC invited me to make myself comfortable on the sofa.  “Help yourself to bottles of water, or anything you want,” she said, and we immediately plunged into conversation.  I told her about my frustrations with trying to fight the passivity I’d inherited from my mom, but despite my resistance, feeling like the passivity was still winning.  What could I do? I was so eager to change.

“It won’t take you long at all to beat this, Camille,” is what TC told me.  “Do you know why it won’t take you long? Because you want to change it.”

This gave me a lot of hope.  I have always believed that attitude and mental awareness is the key to changing anything in life.  But it’s always nice to hear your life coach verify your feelings.

We talked about everything, from my mother’s 50’s housewife passivity to my verbally abusive ex-husband, to my father’s stroke last year that led me to give up my life and take care of him full time until just recently when I had caregivers set up enough to start taking over for me.  There wasn’t a clock in two and a half hours of her time! I felt so comfortable talking, I probably could have gone on all afternoon.  Again, as she had on the phone, TC gave me excellent guidance, so I never rambled off-topic.  She also introduced our first concept for me to think about.  Boundaries.

Tune in next week to hear how Camille applies what she learns in her coaching sessions.