coaching tips

Yes! 2013 is off to a killer start and I couldn’t be more anxious to see where the year goes.

One of the reasons I love the new energy of 2013, the rapid-fire manifestation energy is so creative. With the help of my friends, I managed to manifest a guest
spot on KROQ’s Loveline as the female co-host.

Loveline is one of the longest
running advice shows on radio – since 1983. Do you even remember ‘83? That’s
30 years of awesome advice. I will be live on Loveline with Dr. Drew and Mike Catherwood this Monday and Tuesday (February 4th and 5th).

This is where you come in.

I think of all the lives I have touched in the past 11 years of coaching and I would
love the opportunity to share my knowledge and insight with a broader audience.
My goal with this appearance on Loveline is to become a regular guest and I need your
participation to make that goal come true.

If you want to let Loveline know that you would like to have me on the show, this is how to do it.

Reach out to the hosts and crew of Loveline about your excitement for my
appearance.  You can do this before during or after we go on the air  and of course while we are live on the radio I would  love to hear
a familiar voice call in with a question.

See you on Loveline tomorrow night!!

Tweet and Facebook Loveline now:
Twitter:   @loveline
Facebook:    Facebook.com/loveline

If you want your life to change, then change it. Raising your standards is THE sure-fire way to effect positive change in your life, and it’s one of my favorite tools to use personally and in my coaching practice. Having high expectations of your own success and destiny is all well and good, but without the foundation of higher standards (and the work that goes into achieving that), it’s an empty shell. Hope is not enough – you must step up and CREATE by putting energy, time, effort and WORK into it.

Standards 

• Your standards are how you have chosen to behave
• The higher your standards, the better your life
• Doubling your standards makes a great game
• Match your standards to your personal needs
• Only set standards that fit right for today

When a person’s standards are too low

• Continue to operate “below the line” emotionally
• Self-esteem drops; self-worth is questioned
• Mediocrity reigns where excellence should be applied
• Apathy and victimization are ever present
• Experience a low hum of disappointment and low expectations

When a person has, and honors, high standards

• They feel very good about themselves and others too.
• They become irresistibly attractive to high-quality people.
• They don’t get near people or situations that cause problems
• They stay in their power physically, emotionally and spiritually
• Their life experience improves through their commitment to living a better life
• Acceptance replaces anger and thriving replaces treading water

If I asked you where you most need to improve by raising your standards, I’m sure you have an easy answer. You already know where your standards aren’t up to par. Don’t let working out the HOW of raising your standards slow you down.

Set an intention and call me – we will devise a program of raising your standards that is tailor-made for YOUR life as you ease into a new and better way of being. Don’t wait for some arbitrary date or deadline to step into your power and change, NOW is definitely the time. Call for a one-on-one coaching session.

Tender times as the Harvest Moon wells full in Pisces (water/ emotions) this weekend. Unless you are a Vulcan, robot or droid, you may be FEELING this one. It’s what you do with your feelings that matters. Resistance is futile, it only inflames suffering and stalls you out. Instead, try a  grow with the flow and follow the feeling approach or, when in deep waters, become a diver.  Trust yourself and dig down deep. You have to go THROUGH the feeling if you want to break on through to the other side. – #feelingit

–

Your soul wants to grow!

I hope you had wonderful summer filled with sunshine and good times.

As summer folds gently into fall, (Fall Equinox is at 8:49 AM Mountain Daylight Time September 22nd) our focus often changes as well.

Many of us find ourselves taking stock of the year by making a mental inventory of our accomplishments and what we have achieved so far.  Otherwise we look at what we meant to get done and have stalled out on — or worse, haven’t even started yet.  Some of us find ourselves standing smack dab at the karmic crossroads (scary) of choice and change.

Regardless of the form in which it arrives, it seems as if the Universe is inviting us all to evolve.  This is where your personal foundation kicks in.

• How confident are you in making choices?
• How good are you at navigating change?
• Are you operating in your strength and power or are you stalled out in fear of making the wrong choices for yourself?
• Do you have fear of success/fear of failing?

So here we are wanting to get off the dime but wondering which way to go.  Do you step boldly into the new or stay the comfortable course repeating the same old habits and patterns that lead us to the same old frustrating destination?  I say screw your comfort zone, let’s grab the lessons from your experience thus far and jump boldly into the new.  If you have some outdated patterning that’s preventing you from doing this, identify it and eradicate it.  Let it go. As much as the Universe is inviting (demanding) that we evolve, it is also supporting us in clearing and cleaning our old outdated relationships or ways of being. Now is the time to become a new, more courageous and powerful YOU.

How, you might ask.

1. Drill down your truth.  Define your destination. What do you want (exactly)?
2. Find and sustain your center.  In order to make powerful choices we must choose from our truth not our fear.
3. Get clear on what (fear) is keeping you stuck.
4. How will it feel when you arrive there?  We attract and manifest according to the way we feel – if you can feel it you can create it.
5. Get support.  Hire a coach a therapist or a personal trainer, whatever it takes.  If you can’t afford it, work out a trade of services.
6. Trust.  Let go, surrender to your process and believe that you will arrive at your destination.  Focus on it and step closer to it every day.
7. Learn to allow.  Open up and let the good stuff in.

We are all, each and every one of us, at that pivotal turning point.  I support you in taking complete responsibility for yourself while rising to the occasion, being your most powerful self, and making the necessary changes that will lead you to your happiness.

Cause no harm. Not with your thoughts, your words, your intentions, your way of being in this world. Take responsibility for your energy and cause no harm.

Hello and happy summer solstice,

I had a cathartic experience last week when I wrapped and dashed out of a group workshop I was facilitating in a rush to see a rock concert in a graveyard (I love Hollywood).

Our workshop subject for the evening was defining your personal power and operating from that place all of the time. I was instantly teleported from a rich conversation about connecting to and sustaining ONE’S personal power, to standing under a full moon amongst hundreds of gravesites thinking about the fragility of life. Talk about juxtaposition: a full production (huge life) Flaming LIPS show blazing through the headstones and mausoleums.

To say that the contrast was surreal would be a major understatement. This got me thinking about death, the full moon, the summer solstice and our rare triad of eclipses (more on eclipses below). In that moment, it was impossible to ignore how important it is for us to live every moment to ITS fullest.

This summer solstice is no ordinary solstice, this solstice  is a rare catalyst for every area of your life, and is a prolific energetic depository  of  empowerment,

You may have noticed that the energies are intensified and the status quo no longer applies. We are in the energies leading up to 2012 and the shift of a new age.

What does this mean to you and how can you navigate all of this intense change?

Anchor in your power, NOW.

The great news is, during the summer solstice, our life force is at ITS maximum, we also have the support of three eclipses and a grand cross this summer.   You  can utilize this once in a lifetime energy to upgrade your internal operating system and anchor in your power.

How do you do it?

Look inward: GET honest with yourself around what’s working in your life and what is no longer serving you.  Heal what you need to heal, release what you need to release and restructure what you need to restructure. You must be willing to do the work.  Here are some overall steps to get you moving in the right direction.

10 TIPS on owning your Personal Power

1. Define what personal power means to you.
2. Foster an awareness (feel it) of when you are operating from your power and when you are not.
3. Make the commitment be your most powerful self in everything you do.
4. Recognize what takes you out of your power.
5. Give yourself permission to own your power and be powerful.
6. Choose love and faith over fear.
7. Remember that you are never alone.
8. Connect with your universal supports.
9. Be true to yourself (be happy).
10. Remember that the more powerful you are, the more you may be of service to others.

The powerful mid-year “Eclipse-TRIADS” occur on:

I know that two of these dates have already PASSED, but the energy of any eclipse builds for MONTHS prior and vibrates months after, so the window is still open for you to work with these energies.

(1) June 1   (2) June 15   (3) July 1.

The three occur exactly 15 days apart. We have two partial solar eclipses, sandwiching a full moon lunar eclipse. Barely enough breathing room, so get ready for a powerful ride. All of this is punctuated by the aforementioned extremely powerful Solstice on June 21st. Whilst the two ‘outer eclipses’ of the Triad are partial solar, do not think that their energies are lessened by the fact that they are not full eclipses. THE energy of all 3 will be extremely potent and felt by the entire planet, whether visible or not from your specific vector on the planet. The energy will encircle the globe and affect each of you.

The June 1st lunar eclipse is the beginning, and truly the energy of each of these events has an intersecting field that expands energetically from 3 days prior and 3 days after the eclipse.

The Energies:

The energy pattern of the Triad is around release, healing and reconstruction.

June 1: Release and cleansing, release of old energy patterns. Patterns that may be ingrained, even hidden.

June 15: Healing through acceptance of Facing the Challenge, and being true to SELF.

July 1: Strength and Completion of the ‘New You’. Not only visualizing the attributes and events you wish to create, but taking requisite actions and step forward to manifest them.

I understand that these are high concepts and huge shifts.  I know it’s easy to look at a list like this and feel overwhelmed. THAT’S why I am here to coach you through the process.

We are currently living in one of the most exciting times of transformation humanity has ever gone through,  this is the next leap in evolution.  You don’t have to walk this path alone (you are never alone). You are always free to contact me directly for some formal coaching or just a friendly push in the right direction.

May the summer of 2011 be positively transformative for you.

Love and blessings,

T.C. Conroy

I called TC this past Monday with a pending crisis on my hands.  I was having money problems.  Shopping has always been a kind of therapy for me.  Retail therapy, literally.  It’s maybe not as bad as a drinking or drugs habit, but it’s still destructive in its own way, as anyone who has gotten themselves in too deep with credit cards might know.

Since the time I hired the other caregivers to look after my dad and started trying to have my own life again, I started spending too much money.  Now, having just moved back to my own apartment and having to pay rent and bills on my own again, I was in over my head.  Budget? Ha, I wasn’t even thinking about price tags.  I realized with a bang that I needed to get things back under control.

First of all, this is embarrassing.  None of us want to be the girl who is out of control with money.  It was hard enough to admit it to myself, much less TC, but I did.  TC was great.  She didn’t make me feel embarrassed – she immediately set about with an action plan.

The first thing she told me was I had to change the way I think about my relationship with money.  “We’re raising your standards about your relationship with your money,” TC said.  “First of all, it is a relationship.  So from now on, I want you to think of it like a relationship.  I want you to pretend you’re dating your money.”

Dating my money?

“For example,” TC went on.  “Where’s your money right now?”

I’d been too afraid to look at my online bank balance for weeks.  “Umm…I don’t know…” I said.

“So I’m asking you what your relationship with your Money is like, and you’re telling me ‘not very good, you take it for granted and don’t pay it any attention and you have no idea where it’s at right now.  How would that sound if this was a real relationship? What if I asked you how things were with Jess and you said, ‘oh, I don’t know, I don’t really pay him any attention, I’m just using him and I have no idea where he is right now.’  That doesn’t sound like a very good relationship, does it?”

It sure didn’t!

This was thinking about my money in a way I’d never thought of before.  It really didn’t have to be a chore.  We talked about why I shopped for therapy.  What was I craving?

Power, I admitted.  Control.  I feel like if I have money and can buy whatever I want whenever I want, that’s a form of power.  That’s having control.  With everything crazy going on with my dad the last year and feeling like I had no kind of control, no wonder I’d turned to retail therapy if that’s what I saw in it.

“But how do you really feel the next day after you’ve bought too much for your budget?”

“Completely out of control.”

The truth hit me.  I thought spending money was what being powerful was.  Really, being powerful and in control meant budgeting, knowing where my money was and what he was up to, knowing what I could and couldn’t afford to spend.  Retail therapy was a fake control.  Really, it was making things worse.

“What do you think would make you really feel in control?”

“Being able to be in control of my impulses, being in control of my money instead of just letting it jump out of my hands.”  Great, this sounds like common sense, but I’d never stopped to think through common sense before.  This logic was all totally new for me.

TC gave me some homework for this week.  I was to write everything down.  Every single penny.  “Just spend like you normally would,” she said.  “But write it all down.  And next Monday we’ll talk about it.”  She also wanted me to think about how to make my relationship with my money better.  “What would help?”

“It would help if I knew where it was,” I said for a start.  So I’d also be checking in with my money.

“You know, this doesn’t have to all be a drag,” TC said.  “I never say, ‘balancing my bank account.’  Instead I set dates with my money.  I schedule it in my planner.  Next Monday, me and my money have a date.  You can have dates with your money too.”

Gosh, that sounds so much more fun than the old chore of balancing my budget.  Right, Money and I were going to get things back where they belonged.  And we were going to work together!

I felt like things were generally going better since my coaching sessions had started.  I had made that huge communication breakthrough with my mom and applied it to other relationships.  I learned about expectations and boundaries.  I had learned how to self-care and really had the chance to put it into affect with the passing of my horse.  But as I recovered from this grief, I was realizing another pattern in my life that I wanted to fix.

As I once mentioned way back in the beginning of these blogs, I am fabulous at interviews.  I feel like I make great first impressions.  I can be outgoing, exciting, interesting—I know all the small talk questions to ask to draw people out and engage them…however, then once I’ve got them hooked, I fall flat.  I often get hired for jobs based on my personality – this outgoing, exciting persona I convey, that I do feel is really true to myself, but somehow once I get the job, I freeze up.  Then I get insecure.  Am I really the right fit for this job? Am I going to be able to write the articles in the style they want? Am I going to say and act in a way that will build camaraderie with my colleagues or isolate me from them? My insecurities cause me to go into a shell and actually shut down, and ultimately, work to isolate me and destroy the great foundation I started.  It can take two or three months for me to get comfortable enough in a new job to come out of this shell and start being outgoing and fun again, and often by then, it’s too late for good impressions.

This not only happens with jobs, it happens in other areas of my life.  Friendships, relationships.  People that I care very much about, I can first impress, but then when I realize how much I like them and that they have given me that chance to be in their life, I freeze up.  This happened when I first met Jess and almost killed our relationship before it could blossom.  I’d heard of getting insecurities about first meetings, but mine is almost the opposite.  I do great at first meetings, but then when I realize I’m committed, that’s when the insecurities strike.

I talked about this confusing problem with TC and she immediately had some good suggestions.  She told me she wanted me to start working on an exercise.  “It doesn’t have to be perfect right away,” she said.  “Just try to remember it, and think about it, and the more you think about it the more you’ll be able to put it into practice.”  She wanted me to stay focused on the present moment.  She said she thought a lot of my problem was that instead of listening to the conversation at hand, or being myself in the present moment, I was constantly over-analyzing my behavior.  For example, “what’s the appropriate response to this?” “What can I say that will make me sound cool?” “What’s the right article to pitch that’ll prove I’m a good reporter?” Whereas in fact, if I just stayed in the present moment and blocked out these insecure voices, my ideas and responses were already cool.  Being perfect, really, was as simple as not being insecure.

I started putting this into practice and immediately noticed a difference.  I wasn’t necessarily able to change my behavior right away, but just being aware of it made a difference.  Often time during conversations with people I would notice that instead of focusing on what they were saying and being in the present moment, I would be drifting off into my voices of insecurities…”what’s the appropriate response to say to this?…How should I respond to that?” It was really silly, because of course I could already naturally respond more than appropriately and it was nothing to worry about.  Once I recognized that I was doing this, I was able more and more to put those voices aside, and snap myself back to being in the present moment – listening to the conversation that was taking place, and just responding as myself, naturally, and as such, much more impressively.

No sooner was the Christmas merchandise moved over to the half off rack, but Valentine’s Day rolled out for all to buy.  Over the past month and a half everything seems to have taken on a pink and red heart-shaped hue.  it’s official, Saint Valentine’s Day is unavoidable (at least in the drug store).

I’m a lover of love, and a believer that love is boundless and immeasurable.

Valentine’s Day primarily represents intimate love and unfortunately this seems to leave many of us feeling dissatisfied. In the event you are in a great relationship that’s brimming with trust and love these universal truths still apply but I’m really reaching out to those of you who feel like you are suffering because you are alone. If you find yourself alone, without a lover or going through a breakup Valentine’s Day can become another day to be survived.

Instead of devaluing the magnitude of love and it’s infinite possibilities by celebrating with unmet expectations and obligatory boxes of chocolate, I would much prefer Saint Valentine give love it’s due by becoming a celebration of the infinite energy of love.  But I’m not in charge, so I am writing to remind you that you don’t need a partner or GF or BF to feel love.

I want to help you re-frame your definition of love and shift the way you go about creating and attracting love into your life.

I want to help you re-frame the way you experience love.

What is love?

Love is the creative sustaining force that drives the universe.

Love is sheer power.

Love is everything, love is everywhere.

There is no lack when it comes to love, there is only love.

Love is infinite, it is always there for us to tap into, always present, always abundant.

Please remember this on Valentine’s Day. Don’t think small when it comes to love.  Set a strong intention, make a commitment to rise above the banality of the desire to drop into self-pity.  As opposed to focusing on what you think you don’t have focus on – celebrating the energy of love and all of it’s abundance.  Give yourself love.  Give your friends and family love.  Be wealthy when it comes to love, and love will return to you tenfold.

Love is everything.  There is nothing else.  Live this truth and you will never be alone.

My want for you is that you can anchor in these universal truths.  Master the art of generating love from the inside out, so you never have to experience lack when it comes to the subject of love.  There are many pieces to this puzzle but you can start to feel better immediately when you remember that you are not alone.  The universe is filled with love (not the drugstore kind).  It is always there for you, all you have to do is shift your perspective of love an change the way you generate, receive and give love.

Life Coach T.C. Conroy’s T-10 Tips For  Success in 2011

With the acceleration and scope of change that has been taking place over the past few years, most of us are feeling beat up, beat down and in a state of (what’s next) long term overwhelm.  I am here to remind you with great change comes great opportunity.

This is my T-10 list for beating the recession blues, setting strong intentions and becoming a richer human being.  I hope it energizes and inspires you to stop waiting for permission and step into your personal power.

Celebrate the new decade by intending your greatness in 2011.

It’s not about the money. Everything on this list is FREE the only cost to you is your willingness and dedication (intention) the ROI knows no limit.

Wishing you a Happy New Year, Happy New Decade!

T.C. Conroy

1. Identify your true values – If the recession has taught us nothing I hope it has reminded you what is truly important and valuable to you and yours. Live your life according to your true values and you will be a happier person.

2. Connect to the power of your intentions – You are a powerful creator.  You create with every thought you think, every word you speak and every feeling that you feel when you believe in your own power and live in it’s truth you can exert your power to achieve your greatness.

3. Anchor in the lessons from the past decade -You can not get to where you are going without acknowledging where you have been.  Sit down and write out all of the life changing lessons you have learned in the past ten years so you don’t forget and have to learn them twice.

4. Let go of judgment – Judgment creates division.

Practice non-judgment and acceptance with every person place and thing that crosses your path.  With consistency you will be amazed at how liberating this is.

Set the intention to greet every person place and thing with love and compassion not judgment.

5. Cancel the pity party – Victim energy does NOT serve you in any way.  It keeps you stuck and it grantees your failure. Learn to rise above and let go of the part of you that wants’ to be victimized. Take responsibility for everything that shows up in your life, this is where your true power resides.

6. Open your heart – We are bombarded by fear based thoughts and feelings that shut us down.  You can open your heart with this simple meditation – place the index and middle finger of your left hand over your heart and smile allow your fears and insecurities to melt away.  You can’t help but feel better.  Do this meditation for two or three minutes a day and build from there.

7. Unplug and Connect – unplug from the non stop stimulation that we are assaulted with every day.  Power down your electronics and connect to your self.  Take pause long enough to hear the voice inside of your head, feel your feelings connect to yourself.  Your power resides on the inside from that connection send your intentions out into the world.

8. Visualize yourself as prosperous, luminous, healthy, and full of peace, joy and success. If you BELIEVE that you are, you will be.

9. State your intention before your feet hit the floor- Your thoughts words and feeling all have incredible power behind them, make the choice to use them well by intending your actions each day before you get out of bed in the morning.

10. You deserve it, learn to receive – you can ask all you want and you may even successfully manifest.   The very thing you are asking for may show up right in front of you but you will fall short if you are not open to receiving because you feel on some level that you don’t deserve what you are asking for.

11. The Universe is abundant, it knows no bounds when you practice abundance you too will be limitless.

Although my week of self care was improving my life in general, I had a stressful weekend situation to deal with.  It was my dad’s 59^th birthday party—really, a great thing to celebrate, considering he’d almost died last year, only it was just I was so burned out on talking about anything to do with the stroke…and really, burned out on more than just that, as TC would later point out.

I had a really hard time with the birthday party.  The caregivers had been calling me and trying to get me involved in things for the last week, and I kept making excuses.  (Later, I would learn from TC that I don’t need to make excuses, I can be honest and say, “I’m worn out from this, I really need you guys to handle this on your own this time around”…but I hadn’t learned that tool yet).  I felt pressure from all sides.  I had just moved into my apartment the week before, and was still yearning for my own time and space.  My mom arrived on Friday to stay for the weekend and really wanted to spend time with me.  She was asking to stay in my apartment with me, and I kept suggesting she stay in the spare room at my dad’s instead.  “All the furniture’s still a mess here…” I kept finding excuses.

The party was grueling.  I was happy for my dad, but I was emotionally exhausted.  Living with a suddenly brain-damaged parent for a year and basically being their “parent” had taken its toll on me.  All the people at the party were caregivers, friends of caregivers, Dad’s PT doctors, and other friends of my dad’s.  Everyone was making small talk, and everyone was talking about the stroke.  I couldn’t think of two worse conversation situations for me right at this moment.

With my emotions running on overdrive, I couldn’t do small talk.  Not at all.  Certainly not small talk about the stroke – the very thing that had caused these huge emotional barricades in my life! I tried to busy myself helping with food and music so I didn’t have to talk to people.  But my mom kept coming up and trying to hug me and connect with me.  She would come up and say really off-the-wall stuff in attempt to talk to me, like “What an interesting pattern on that seat cover!”  And she has this really passive, hippy way of talking, with lots of soft “oohs” and “awws” that just drive me nuts.  I couldn’t handle it.  I dealt with it by not dealing with it.  I felt bad, but I pointedly ignored her.  When she’d come up and say something weird and put her hands on my shoulders, I’d turn to someone next to me and strike up a conversation.   By the end of the evening, I was exhausted.

This was Saturday night, and Sunday, she and my dad were going to be having dinner and they invited me, but I excused myself.  “I’m just so busy, sorry…” again, more excuses.

That Monday morning I couldn’t wait to tell TC about all this.  I couldn’t possibly think how to solve this problem of dealing with my mom, and things just seemed to be getting worse.  TC immediately pointed out the essentials to me.  “You can’t change your mom’s behavior,” she said.  “But you can change yours.  And when you change your behavior, you will also change the dynamics of your relationship with your mom, so your mom will have to change.”

TC pointed out that my mom’s passive, 50’s upbringing was affecting the way she communicated with me.  But then she pointed out that my communication style was just as bad.  “You’re both skating over the ice with each other, avoiding anything real that might be under the surface.  When confronted with your mom’s clinginess, instead of telling her how you really feel about it, you skate away, you make excuses or change the subject—you don’t address what really matters.”

She was totally right.  But I felt I’d been really straightforward with my mom in the past, and that hadn’t worked either.  “I’ve told her I needed my space, and she was being too clingy, and nothing changes,” I said.

We talked about expectations and relationships.  TC pointed out how everyone has expectations about relationships with other people.  This is a natural thing.  But sometimes those expectations are unrealistic and we need to readjust them.  I realized since my dad’s stroke, I had been actively seeking that strong parent figure from my mom.  But she had never been that person for me, and, as TC pointed out, certainly couldn’t right now.  “She’s dealing with a lot too,” TC said.  “She went through a divorce with your dad just six years ago, then the stroke…she’s trying to figure out her life too.  Maybe you need to change your expectations of what you need from her.  What you want is a parent figure.  But what do you really need?”

“I guess I really need…to be able to talk about real things with her,” I finally said.  This also connected to my abhorrence of small talk right now, and cutting out friends who couldn’t support me emotionally.  “I really need her to be able to have meaningful conversations with me.  I don’t want to have this avoidant, surface relationship anymore.”

“There you go,” said TC.  “Can you tell her that?”

“I wouldn’t know how…”

Forty-five minutes later I hung up from our session, brushed up my make-up, and went to meet my mom for lunch.  I used every tool TC had taught me.  One secret of life coaches that she had just revealed to me was to use questions as much as possible.  This not only gets the point across without sounding so aggressive, it also forces the other person to involve themselves and participate.  So this is what we did.

I sat down and sipped my Chai tea, and said, “So, Mom, what do you think of our relationship lately?”

TC had totally prepared me for if she tried to be avoidant, to steer her right back to my question, but to her credit, she met me straight on.  “Well, I think it’s pretty emotionally rocky and we’re not really communicating,” she replied.

I was pleasantly surprised, and continued with the tools I’d just gathered from my session.  “Why do you think that, and what do you think we could do to make it better? What do you need out of our relationship?” And finally, “I feel like you avoid me a lot.  It seems like you try to avoid upsetting me.  What are you afraid of?”

At this, my mom burst into tears.  “Oh honey, I’m afraid of losing you!”

What?? I was shocked.  “Losing ME? Mom, I’m your daughter! You’re stuck with me for life! You’re never gonna lose me!”

We hugged, and she opened up and talked about how the divorce six years ago had totally shaken up her world.  “I thought that marriage was forever, and if that could fall apart, anything could.  If I lost my husband, I could lose anything.”

“I’m slowly realizing differently,” she went on.  “But it’s my greatest fear.  And that’s what I’ve been so scared of with you for so long.”

“But Mom, I’m your daughter.  You’re like my right arm! You’re never going to lose me.”

We talked all about what I’d talked with TC about.  How I’d felt like we were always skating over the surface.  “What I need in this relationship is to be real.  I want us to be able to talk about our feelings, and meaningful things,” I said.  “I want you to be able to get upset with me.  I don’t want us to be always avoiding important issues.  If we notice each other doing this, can we remind each other?”

She agreed.  After we’d talked all about our relationship, I even brought up the life coaching sessions, and what a help TC had been to me.  My mom was fascinated by the things I’d learned about boundaries, standards, and tolerations.  I gave her the papers TC had given me on the subjects, and told her how to make a Tolerations Checklist, and how that would help her create boundaries in her life.  She was so impressed she was taking notes on everything I said, and is now seriously interested in also taking life coaching from TC.

I came back from lunch feeling like I’d reconnected with my mom, and really been able to talk to her for the first time in years.  What an incredible breakthrough! This communication stuff really isn’t so scary once you have the proper tools…

Blog Day 6, My First Week Of Aware Self-Care:

So post our session on Monday, I really decided to try putting TC’s homework for me into my daily life.  Everything I thought about doing, I thought beforehand, is this going to drain my energy, or add to it? I had a busy week scheduled.  I was moving back into my own apartment again, from my dad’s – I’d been living with my dad for the last year to take care of him after he had a major stroke last year.  But now I’d gotten caregivers set up on a 24 hour schedule, his doctors all set up, he had formed good bonds with all the caregivers, and I felt like I could start transitioning back to my own life again.  So this week I was starting to move back to my old apartment.

One of the things I wanted to do in moving back to my old apartment was shift out a lot of the old furniture.  When I’d moved in last year, I’d come from Boston and from being overseas for a long time, and so I just took hand-me-down furniture from my dad and his at-the-time girlfriend.  But after the girlfriend had turned out to be one of the most selfish, horrible people I’d ever met, I didn’t really want her things in my apartment anymore, not to mention if this was truly going to be my own space, that I so needed right now, I really wanted things in it that I really loved.  So I started going around to vintage and antique stores.  I had found an amazing French sette and matching chair from the 1800’s that were really from France, and an old antique dresser.  This week I was scheduled to go pick them up and move them into my apartment.

Before going to get them, I thought about my homework from TC.  I knew the physical act of moving these furniture pieces into my apartment would be draining, but the emotional boost of having them in there – totally my style and things I loved – I thought would be worth it.  I got my boyfriend Jess to help, and my friend’s husband Paul, and together, it really wasn’t so bad.  After we moved the sofa we went and had a really nice dinner at an upscale restaurant since everyone was hungry.  Maybe since I was aware it was an activity that had the potential for being draining to me, I took care to be aware of how I was feeling and protect myself.

I did things I needed to do, but I spaced them out and went about them with more awareness, so I wasn’t wearing myself out.  I went grocery shopping for my apartment, I took my friend out horseback riding, I emailed my resume and sample writing articles to some job contacts that were interested in me.  I tried not to worry about shifting my old furniture out (right now it’s just sitting in the middle of the room) or about getting pictures on the wall, or getting everything set up.  For me, this was hard, because I’m a very proactive person, but I kept telling myself to take one thing at a time.  For now, getting the furniture I loved in the apartment was a big step, and I didn’t have to hurry to make it all look perfect just yet.

I had two things this week that were big for my physically.  The first was a tattoo.  This wasn’t a large tattoo, just a small lotus flower on my left wrist.  It was also my seventh tattoo, so not a big deal for me, but still, getting a tattoo means taking care of it, and time to let your body heal.  Again, however, I’d been on the waiting list to get this for the last month, and although it was physically draining to me, I felt the emotional booster from it was worth it.

The other physical task for me this week was that I was having laser eye surgery done on Thursday.  Now this would be much more taxing than the tattoo, but again, something I’d been wanting to get ever since I could remember.  I have really bad nearsightedness, and have had to wear glasses since I was about four or five years old.  I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need glasses or contacts.  I have worn contacts since I was eleven, but within the last year they started rubbing against my eyes and giving me frequent eye infections.  As a result of the infections, and to prepare for the laser eye surgery, I have had to wear my glasses constantly for the last month – and I despise my glasses.  So I was really looking forward to the surgery – and afterward, being able to see with my own eyes!

Another thing about the surgery and the tattoo, and I don’t know if this was good or not, but they gave me good excuses to take it easy for the week.  I know I should be able to take it easy just on my own, but when this was something totally foreign to me, it helped to have an excuse.  Both the tattoo artist and the eye doctor told me to relax and give myself some time off to just lie around and recover.  Even before my eye surgery, the doctor wanted me rested and pampered.  They gave me Valium for the surgery, and told me they just wanted me to go home and take some Vicodin and sleep, so that’s just what I did.  My dad and his caregiver brought me take-away sushi for dinner, and then I went back to sleep.  The next morning, I was just fine and could see perfectly! It was miraculous, I felt like a character in a bible story.  But I continued the extra-self care especially since I knew my body was still healing.  I let myself lie around and watch movies (something I never do without friends).  I napped.  I went shopping.  My dad was extremely worried about me – he worries extra since he had the stroke – so dealing with that was a little bit stressful, but besides that I had a great time letting myself rest and recuperate.

That night I went out with friends to my boyfriend Jess’s DJ night to celebrate my new vision.  Not only did I have a great time seeing my friends – it’s amazing how pleasantly glad you are to see people when you’ve given yourself the proper time you need to yourself – it was also a very eventful night, and I got a little more practice with being assertive.

It hadn’t gone long into the night when some guy trying to start trouble starting having a go at Jess, who was DJing.  Jess isn’t one to take any crap, especially from a guy who’s looking to start a fight, and was intent on giving him a good punch in the face if Casey, the bar owner, didn’t throw him out.  Some girl made some nasty comments about Jess’s reaction, and I turned right around and told her what she was saying was certainly not the case, and I was his girlfriend so she could answer to me.  She immediately backed down and commended me on “standing up for my man.”  I don’t know if that’s something I would have done before I started this work with TC or not.  I’m usually pretty good about sticking up for my friends, just not myself, but with this scene going on at the bar and everyone getting all hot about it, in the past I might have been too timid of getting in the middle, and just pretended I didn’t hear what she was saying.

Later on, after lots of rowdiness, everyone was dancing, and this creepy guy who was by himself started going around groping all the girl’s asses.  He lightly touched mine, which was when I was alerted to what was going on.  I whirled right around and stuck my finger in his face and told him if he so much as tried that again, I would slap him.  Then I heard the other girls complaining about him, so I told them, “let’s go up and tell Casey and get him thrown out,” so we did, and Casey threw him out.  Then he snuck back in, so Casey threw him out again.  It was an eventful night, but I was proud of myself for standing up to whatever I didn’t like and, as TC said, taking the “high road” instead of letting it slide by and taking the “low road.”

Things were better with Jess this week also.  He was still stressed out, but with my self-care, I was able to just do my thing and not worry about him, and also be supportive to him when I would see him.  As TC had told me, I can’t change him, but I can change myself.  He had four papers to write, recording to do on the weekend, was fighting off a flu, and, I just learned that Friday was the anniversary of his mother’s death.  That’s a lot to be going through.  I totally understood if he was stressed and needed space.  And again, it was another good excuse for me to give myself space.  If Jess was available and wanted to hang out, I probably would have been hanging out with him.  I needed to give myself time and space to myself and continue my good R & R.

Learning Self-Care:

The next day was Monday, and our official scheduled phone session.  That morning was a disaster for me.  These apartments can lock from the inside, which creates a problem when you’re especially scatterbrained like I was feeling.  I had an appointment at 10am, but ran out of the apartment leaving the keys on the kitchen counter, and locking the door behind me.  As soon as I was outside I realized what I’d done.  My apartment and car keys are all on the same ring, so I couldn’t even drive to my appointment and then figure out what to do.  Luckily I still had my phone, so I was able to google a locksmith to come let me back in, but this took over an hour until they even got out.  I had to cancel my appointment, and the locksmith let me back into my apartment at 11:58, precisely two minutes to spare before my phone appointment with TC.

So of course I was still a little frazzled when I called her.  I told her about my hectic morning.  It just seemed like a continuation of Sunday’s chaos.  “I just don’t know what’s going on with me and mornings anymore,” I said.

Well, TC did.  “You need to slow down, and take care of yourself,” she said.  “This is a sign.  You being this scatterbrained, starting to forget things and feeling frazzled like you are, this means you’re not taking care of yourself, and it’s wearing you out.  The number one lesson I want you to take away from today’s session is self-care.  And this lends itself to other things that you want to work on as well.  Once you’re taking care of yourself properly, you feel good.  When you feel good, you have more self confidence.  When you have more self confidence you are naturally more assertive.  Do you understand where I’m going with this?”

Yes, of course, now that she said it, it made perfect sense.  We went over the Tolerations Checklist that she’d given me the previous week, and I had been filling out.  I was surprised how many tolerations I’d already taken care of.  I’d told my friend kindly, but assertively that I needed to be left alone for a while and she’d understood.  I’d told my other friend to stop making snide comments if he wanted to stay my friend, and he apologized.  I’d been giving myself more time and space to myself, and so on.

“So now you’ve located the cracks in your teacup, and you’re repairing them, so your life energy doesn’t keep draining out.”

Sure, this made sense.  I have to take care of myself before I can feel strong enough to protect my standards and boundaries, or even take care of other people.

“So your homework for this week is taking care of yourself,” TC told me.  “This is your exercise this week.  Whatever you do, before you do it, ask yourself first: is this going to drain my energy, or give me energy? With everything you do.”

Our hour was up, and I hung up thinking this was going to be slightly challenging for me, but good.  As I mentioned previously, I had been brought up by a very 50’s house-wife style mom.  Though she tried to have me turn out without that baggage, independent and modern and all that, of course she couldn’t help passing those old 50’s habits on to me.  So I was very used to thinking about and helping other people.  But myself? Down to measuring each activity I do on whether it will make me feel good or not? However, this was obviously something I didn’t know how to do, and it would be good for me.  As TC had explained, taking care of myself was the first step that came before anything else.  Confidence, or assertiveness, or taking control of my life, or anything that I wanted to work on.  So I better start learning how to do it.

“I’m manifesting like crazy – everything I’m asking for, I’m getting”

A.H. Supervising Producer

The Tolerations Checklist was fantastic.  I had so many things that I was tolerating.  One of my friends being too clingy, one of my friends being a bit of a dick, one of my friends only talking to me via texts when she was drunk, having to parent my dad, having no space to myself, the pushy lady at the spa who wouldn’t give me the chance to talk about getting a refund for a series of treatments I’d ordered that I didn’t want anymore, and the list went on and on.

There was something freeing about writing these things down.  Instead of lurking in the depths of my awareness, by writing them down they were brought to the fore.  And this made me start acting on them.

I talked to my friend who was being too clingy and told her I appreciated her as a friend and as a person and how much she’d supported me in the past, but I was just processing so much after this last year, and this summer, and I just really needed my own space right now, and I couldn’t be there for her right now.  I would be able to in the future again, I just didn’t know when.  She took this extremely well and was grateful to be communicating (she probably had no idea that I’d felt that way) and told me she was sorry if she’d pressured me, and to just let her know when I felt ready to hang out again.

I went in to the spa and talked to the pushy lady’s assistant (the pushy lady herself was away for two weeks) and was very firm about needing a refund.  The assistant kept telling me she wasn’t authorized to do it, but I finally got her to check with her higher-up and get the okay, and she refunded my card.

I confronted my friend who was being a dick and told him that the comments he’d made were completely unacceptable, and if he wanted to stay friends he needed to stop talking like that.  He also apologized.

Some things were going on in my romantic relationship too.  After having the most amazing time together in LA, Jess had suddenly been really off with me this whole week.  On Friday night, after a week of practicing being more assertive, I decided to bring it up.  I told him he’d been really grumpy with me all week and I wanted to know what was going on, I felt ignored and unappreciated.

It turns out a whole stew of things had been going on for him that I hadn’t known about.  His best friends had just moved across the country, he was trying to get back into the swing of classes and homework, felt he might need more space to himself, and then a big one, he was considering going travelling abroad for a year, in the future, and if he decided to do that might not be able to continue having a relationship with me.  But it was all up in the air still.

Well, of course that threw me for a loop.  I told him so, and told him how I felt about it all, and how I felt about everything being on the fence (I didn’t like it), and about how I felt about him (totally in love), and brought up possible solutions or other approaches to the travelling/long distance quandary.  It didn’t bring any of the answers that I was craving so badly, but at least we were communicating.

At the same time I was moving back into my old apartment.  For the last year after my dad had the stroke I have been living with him to take care of him, but slowly I built up a very competent team of caregivers that he has bonded well with, and they were now on a 24/7 shift schedule with him, so I could slowly start moving back into my own life.  However, this was hard for my dad.  My dad’s biggest fear has always been being alone, and even though the caregivers are around all the time providing good company for him, I’m sure this started flaring up again.  I told him I’d be spending more time at my apartment, and probably sleeping there (my apartment is five minutes down the road from his), but I also arranged to do Daddy-daughter dates Mondays and Thursdays where we would have dinner and then I’d help him get ready for bed and tuck him in.  Despite this, Dad was still sad about me being at the apartment less.  After just one day had gone by, he told me he was missing me so much, and he really wanted to see me again.  This was hard, because I felt terribly guilty for leaving.  On the other hand, I’m 26, and I needed to start getting my life back after a whole year of putting it completely on hold.

This weekend I was also supposed to do a motorcycle training class to learn how to ride.  I got to the first class just fine, and did great, but the second day my road was closed off due to a marathon and I was 45 minutes late to the class.  Even though I gave them the policeman’s card who had told me I couldn’t leave, they had a strict late policy, and my instructor was a square, so they wouldn’t let me finish the course.  This was the last straw in my already stressful weekend, and I drove a little ways, then pulled over and cried.  It was early in the morning so no one was awake, and even if they were, who could I call? I was raising my standards and that meant there were a lot of “friends” I no longer really considered friends anymore.  I had put a lot on Jess in the last few months, but I couldn’t talk to him right now because a). he was asleep and b). he was part of the problem.  Out of desperation, I tried calling my mom, but that went terribly.  She seems to have turned to her hippy friends for consolation from her problems lately, and now she talks just like them.  I was told the universe seems to be shifting things around for me, and I should go out and listen to the wisdom my horses have to offer.  I told her I had to go.  Finally I texted TC that I was having a terrible weekend and she called me and we talked for probably about a half hour.

She calmed me down and told me she wanted me to go home and spend the rest of the day doing things that were nice just for me.  “I want you to have a self-care day,” she said.  “Whatever it is that makes you feel good.  You can’t control Jess.  You can’t control your dad, or your mom.  But you can control you.  So whether it’s watching movies and eating ice cream, or having a hot bath, or whatever, I want you to go home and do that.”

I explained that I really wanted to watch movies, but the TV cables weren’t set up yet, and the furniture was all in disorder, and my suitcases weren’t even unpacked, and there wasn’t any food at the apartment.  “I want to pamper myself, but nothing’s set up to do it with,” I protested.

“Look, don’t worry about unpacking for today,” was her answer.  “I know you want to get your apartment all cute and organized, and you will, but not today, and probably not tomorrow.  Just make sure you have the basics, set up a little corner in one of the rooms that’s yours, and camp out in it.  Just get the basic what you need to take care of you.”

Then it struck me that I’d been taking care of other people so long I didn’t even know what I would want to do that was relaxing and nice for myself.  The whole concept seemed a little mind-boggling to me.

“So what you’re telling me,” said TC.  “Is that you’ve put your own life on the shelf and you put it up so high and for so long that you’ve forgotten where you put it or what’s even up there.”

That was exactly it.  I needed to get it back down and wipe that dust off.

We talked a little more until she was sure I was calm and focused again.  I drove back home.  I still couldn’t get back to my apartment because of the marathon, but I finally parked some blocks away and just walked back.  I had a long, hot bath with candles, and spent the afternoon reading my book (which I haven’t gotten to do since I can’t remember when), and then my best girlfriend brought wine and snacks over and we had a good girl talk.  This was Sunday, and TC and I would continue the self-care lesson the following day.

Be A Fierce Boundary Setter

Boundaries are rules that we communicate to others what we will and will not accept from them.  The boundaries that we establish for ourselves create a framework for who we are with the people we re close to.  The are the outward expression of how we see ourselves.  They define what is important to us, where our priorities lie, and how how expect to be treated.  They teach others how they can show respect for us. They come from a firm sense of commitment to what we truly value, and they are only possible if we respect ourselves enough to insist upon them.  Strong boundaries allow us the opportunity to get what we need and want in relationships.  Firm boundary setting is essential to maintaining long-lasting and healthy relationships.  Some of us will end a relationship because we feel stepped on rather than establishing strong boundaries so we can stay.  If you catch yourself thinking that this boundary stuff seems ‘mean’ or Selfish, remember that by communicating what you need and insisting that you be respected, you are building an enduring foundation for your relationships.  As you strengthen your own foundation, you will find that you attract people with strong foundations as well.  By taking yourself seriously enough to establish boundaries, you are modeling healthy behavior for the people you care about most.

How do you establish a boundary and make it stick?  The following are five clear steps to successfully establishing boundaries.  Each step is essential to the process. They are;

1. Clearly identify you boundaries for yourself and know when they are being challenged or stepped over. Go beyond that general sense of discomfort when you are with certain people in certain situations.  Ask yourself what specific behavior is causing you your discomfort and whether it is reasonable to expect that behavior to stop.  At this point you may decide that the problem is not about boundaries at all but an unresolved issue from your past instead.  If you are clear that it’s a boundary issue move to the next step.

2. Inform the person about the behavior you find unacceptable and ask them to stop. Please do not expect them to know.  They don’t.  You have to tell them.  That is best done at a calm and relaxed time, not during an argument or in the middle of a stressful situation-probably not when they are in the middle of stepping over your boundary, you will most likely be feeling angry or victimized at that time.  Wait for a neutral time when you can speak clearly, evenly and confidently.  Be very matter of fact.  Don’t blame.  Don’t bring up excessive past history.  Don’t say too much.  Just ask them to stop.  Act as if this is the first time you have mentioned this, even if it is not.

3. State the consequences of their behavior if they do not stop.  Boundary setting without this step is called nagging.  When you complain about a behavior over and over again without any consequence to the other, you waste time and energy.  You destroy your image as a happy positive person.  You do not get what you want.  People stop listening to you.  You feel defeated, disregarded and nasty.  The purpose of the consequence is to let the other person know that you are serious, to shift the problem to their shoulder if they disregard your request, and to protect you from the negative behavior you do not like.  The consequence needs to fit the crime, make sense, and be something you are willing to deliver.  If you are excited about the consequence because it seems so right, then you are on the right track.  Be creative!

4. Remind them once the behavior occurs again. Everyone deserves a bit of grace.  They are probably not used to this more assertive you.  Remember-you do not need to feel angry.  You are in control here.  You have the perfect consequence to fall back on if you need to.

5. If the behavior continues, follow through with the consequence. I’m pretty sure you will have to take this step at least once.  That is why the consequence you choose is so important.  If you do not feel good about it, you will not do it.  Empty threats spoil the whole routine.  You may even need to go through with the consequence on more than one occasion.  If you feel protected completely by your consequence.

One example of this process in action follows: You become aware that your spouse tends to raise his or her voice when you are having a disagreement and that you do not like the yelling.  Once this is clear to you, you find an appropriate time to tell him/her, ‘I don’t like it when you yell at me when we are having a conversation.  Will you please stop.  The next time this situation occurs, you tell him/her, remember, I don’t like it when you yell at me.  If you don’t stop, I’m going to leave the room.  If the yelling continues, you follow through and leave the room.

All of this requires careful thought and planning.  I recommend writing out the words you will say if you are unused to standing up for yourself, you are very timid, or fear you will get angry and say things you don’t really want to say.  Doing a role-play with your coach or a friend is very helpful preparation.  Begin with just one situation and see how this goes for you.  Your first attempts may feel awkward, but as you get more comfortable with this process, you will find that your boundaries become more natural and easy to establish.