healthy boundaries

Be A Fierce Boundary Setter

Boundaries are rules that we communicate to others what we will and will not accept from them.  The boundaries that we establish for ourselves create a framework for who we are with the people we re close to.  The are the outward expression of how we see ourselves.  They define what is important to us, where our priorities lie, and how how expect to be treated.  They teach others how they can show respect for us. They come from a firm sense of commitment to what we truly value, and they are only possible if we respect ourselves enough to insist upon them.  Strong boundaries allow us the opportunity to get what we need and want in relationships.  Firm boundary setting is essential to maintaining long-lasting and healthy relationships.  Some of us will end a relationship because we feel stepped on rather than establishing strong boundaries so we can stay.  If you catch yourself thinking that this boundary stuff seems ‘mean’ or Selfish, remember that by communicating what you need and insisting that you be respected, you are building an enduring foundation for your relationships.  As you strengthen your own foundation, you will find that you attract people with strong foundations as well.  By taking yourself seriously enough to establish boundaries, you are modeling healthy behavior for the people you care about most.

How do you establish a boundary and make it stick?  The following are five clear steps to successfully establishing boundaries.  Each step is essential to the process. They are;

1. Clearly identify you boundaries for yourself and know when they are being challenged or stepped over. Go beyond that general sense of discomfort when you are with certain people in certain situations.  Ask yourself what specific behavior is causing you your discomfort and whether it is reasonable to expect that behavior to stop.  At this point you may decide that the problem is not about boundaries at all but an unresolved issue from your past instead.  If you are clear that it’s a boundary issue move to the next step.

2. Inform the person about the behavior you find unacceptable and ask them to stop. Please do not expect them to know.  They don’t.  You have to tell them.  That is best done at a calm and relaxed time, not during an argument or in the middle of a stressful situation-probably not when they are in the middle of stepping over your boundary, you will most likely be feeling angry or victimized at that time.  Wait for a neutral time when you can speak clearly, evenly and confidently.  Be very matter of fact.  Don’t blame.  Don’t bring up excessive past history.  Don’t say too much.  Just ask them to stop.  Act as if this is the first time you have mentioned this, even if it is not.

3. State the consequences of their behavior if they do not stop.  Boundary setting without this step is called nagging.  When you complain about a behavior over and over again without any consequence to the other, you waste time and energy.  You destroy your image as a happy positive person.  You do not get what you want.  People stop listening to you.  You feel defeated, disregarded and nasty.  The purpose of the consequence is to let the other person know that you are serious, to shift the problem to their shoulder if they disregard your request, and to protect you from the negative behavior you do not like.  The consequence needs to fit the crime, make sense, and be something you are willing to deliver.  If you are excited about the consequence because it seems so right, then you are on the right track.  Be creative!

4. Remind them once the behavior occurs again. Everyone deserves a bit of grace.  They are probably not used to this more assertive you.  Remember-you do not need to feel angry.  You are in control here.  You have the perfect consequence to fall back on if you need to.

5. If the behavior continues, follow through with the consequence. I’m pretty sure you will have to take this step at least once.  That is why the consequence you choose is so important.  If you do not feel good about it, you will not do it.  Empty threats spoil the whole routine.  You may even need to go through with the consequence on more than one occasion.  If you feel protected completely by your consequence.

One example of this process in action follows: You become aware that your spouse tends to raise his or her voice when you are having a disagreement and that you do not like the yelling.  Once this is clear to you, you find an appropriate time to tell him/her, ‘I don’t like it when you yell at me when we are having a conversation.  Will you please stop.  The next time this situation occurs, you tell him/her, remember, I don’t like it when you yell at me.  If you don’t stop, I’m going to leave the room.  If the yelling continues, you follow through and leave the room.

All of this requires careful thought and planning.  I recommend writing out the words you will say if you are unused to standing up for yourself, you are very timid, or fear you will get angry and say things you don’t really want to say.  Doing a role-play with your coach or a friend is very helpful preparation.  Begin with just one situation and see how this goes for you.  Your first attempts may feel awkward, but as you get more comfortable with this process, you will find that your boundaries become more natural and easy to establish.

Jess and I spent the weekend soaking up the sun in LA and flew back to Portland on Sunday night.  Even though I’d only just had our first session on Saturday, I wanted to get started into our routine right away, so I arranged with TC to start our first phone session on Monday (from then on we would “meet” on the phone every Monday at 12).

I was so excited from all the new information about boundaries I’d been given on Saturday that I was chomping at the bit to roll with this.  I’d already thought of two big boundaries for my life: no more sloppy drunk behavior from my friends, if they wanted to stay my friends, and people aren’t allowed to yell at me.  I wanted to make more! The more I thought about boundaries, the more defined my life felt.  It was something I’d always been missing.

I especially wanted to set some boundaries with my mom.  My mom is the sweetest woman in the world, and I love her more than anything, however she’s also extremely needy and clingy, and I think all the recent goings on with my dad had kind of pushed her over the edge into a world of denial.  (My parents got divorced six years ago after 33 years although have stayed friends, but since that my mom has also had to deal with my dad’s seriously crazy, bitchy girlfriends, and now the stroke that has completely changed him physically and mentally).  As soon as I got on the phone to TC for our session that day I brought this idea up to TC.

“Whoa, there,” TC said.  “Let’s slow down.  It’s great you’re so excited about setting boundaries, but your relationship with your mom is an extremely important one.  Let’s practice setting boundaries and being assertive on some less important ones first.”

Oh yeah – she was right.  In all my excitement about boundaries I forgot my mom is also insecure and ultra sensitive.  Not a good combination for a boundaries beginner.

“I want you to keep working on your boundaries,” TC told me, “but let’s not jump off the high dive before we can swim.  First, let me give you some terms to think about.”

I wrote them down in my notebook while she told me.

1.     Boundaries

2.     Standards

3.     Toleration

“Each supports the other and each builds on the other,” TC explained.  She gave me an analogy of a teacup filled with tea.  “The tea is your life essence, your energy, and for every one thing you tolerate, you get one crack in the side of the tea cup.  Each crack starts draining away your energy.  You have to raise your standards and set boundaries around those standards to repair the cracks and strengthen the sides of the cup so your energy is protected.”

TC sent me a Tolerations Checklist, which was a list I should make of all the things that I’m tolerating in my life right now, from big important things to the minutest annoyance.  “Even if they’re things you can’t change,” she said.  “Just write them down.”  The Tolerations Checklist was something she said she does also every so often.  “It’s just good for checking in with your boundaries and standards.  There may be things you’re tolerating that are draining away your energy that you don’t even realize.”

Again, the phone session was perfect.  There was nothing I felt I was missing from not seeing TC in person.  We talked about my relationships with my friends, and ideas for how to talk to them assertively and communicate my new boundaries without being angry, or also taking to lower road of avoidance.  The hour went by quickly under TC’s guidance, and before long it was time to finish up.

I went straight to my email and started filling in the Tolerations Checklist.

Meeting TC:

Saturday afternoon at last rolled around.  It was a sunny and hot Saturday afternoon, unsurprising in Los Angeles.

I’m not generally a person who gets nervous at first meetings.  I feel like I make a good impression.  I’m great with parents, fabulous at interviews.  I don’t generally carry pre-conceived judgments about people, and I generally like people on first impression (sometimes to my detriment).  I was excited to meet TC after hearing so much about her and feeling sure that she was the one person right now who could really get my life on fast track to where I wanted it to be.  Still, it’s always a little bit unnerving to meet someone who is so famous for what they do, and, according to Jess, a real ass-kicker.  Although our phone conversation had been warm and laid back, I still had an image in my mind of TC as some sort of female, picture-perfect Terminator.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised, and relieved, to walk into her office to find calming zen fountains, a comfortable sofa and chairs, and the room painted in darker, calming tones, with lamps in the corners for atmospheric but not intrusive light.  TC herself was sat behind her desk as we walked in and jumped up to welcome us.  She was smaller and slimmer than I imagined, but even warmer and friendlier than my impression of her had been over the phone.  She was even wearing fantastic heels, “for my sake, I knew you’d appreciate them,” she said.  My lingering image of her as the Terminator vanished.  She seemed achievement oriented, yet down-to-earth at the same time.  I immediately felt like she was someone I could connect to.

Jess left to wait for me outside and TC invited me to make myself comfortable on the sofa.  “Help yourself to bottles of water, or anything you want,” she said, and we immediately plunged into conversation.  I told her about my frustrations with trying to fight the passivity I’d inherited from my mom, but despite my resistance, feeling like the passivity was still winning.  What could I do? I was so eager to change.

“It won’t take you long at all to beat this, Camille,” is what TC told me.  “Do you know why it won’t take you long? Because you want to change it.”

This gave me a lot of hope.  I have always believed that attitude and mental awareness is the key to changing anything in life.  But it’s always nice to hear your life coach verify your feelings.

We talked about everything, from my mother’s 50’s housewife passivity to my verbally abusive ex-husband, to my father’s stroke last year that led me to give up my life and take care of him full time until just recently when I had caregivers set up enough to start taking over for me.  There wasn’t a clock in two and a half hours of her time! I felt so comfortable talking, I probably could have gone on all afternoon.  Again, as she had on the phone, TC gave me excellent guidance, so I never rambled off-topic.  She also introduced our first concept for me to think about.  Boundaries.

Tune in next week to hear how Camille applies what she learns in her coaching sessions.