relationships

For a while now, and for the first time in my life, I am really truly happy.  Not the kind of giddy happy with rollercoaster highs and lows, that fluctuate wildly based off all the other circumstances in life, but hapy with this calm, deep contentment, a self-confidence, a sure, steady, powerful happiness that I never knew existed before.

All in all I’m so content and happy and life is really SO god it feels almost surreal.  I decided although there are always still things I can work on, I just wanted to soak in this most amazing and affirming feeling for a little while – so I decided to take a temporary break from sessions just to be, and enjoy and practice all these tools for a little while.  Of course I still have TC’s number on my speed dial and she’s still my life coach, and I don’t plan to be away long!

Blog Day 6, My First Week Of Aware Self-Care:

So post our session on Monday, I really decided to try putting TC’s homework for me into my daily life.  Everything I thought about doing, I thought beforehand, is this going to drain my energy, or add to it? I had a busy week scheduled.  I was moving back into my own apartment again, from my dad’s – I’d been living with my dad for the last year to take care of him after he had a major stroke last year.  But now I’d gotten caregivers set up on a 24 hour schedule, his doctors all set up, he had formed good bonds with all the caregivers, and I felt like I could start transitioning back to my own life again.  So this week I was starting to move back to my old apartment.

One of the things I wanted to do in moving back to my old apartment was shift out a lot of the old furniture.  When I’d moved in last year, I’d come from Boston and from being overseas for a long time, and so I just took hand-me-down furniture from my dad and his at-the-time girlfriend.  But after the girlfriend had turned out to be one of the most selfish, horrible people I’d ever met, I didn’t really want her things in my apartment anymore, not to mention if this was truly going to be my own space, that I so needed right now, I really wanted things in it that I really loved.  So I started going around to vintage and antique stores.  I had found an amazing French sette and matching chair from the 1800’s that were really from France, and an old antique dresser.  This week I was scheduled to go pick them up and move them into my apartment.

Before going to get them, I thought about my homework from TC.  I knew the physical act of moving these furniture pieces into my apartment would be draining, but the emotional boost of having them in there – totally my style and things I loved – I thought would be worth it.  I got my boyfriend Jess to help, and my friend’s husband Paul, and together, it really wasn’t so bad.  After we moved the sofa we went and had a really nice dinner at an upscale restaurant since everyone was hungry.  Maybe since I was aware it was an activity that had the potential for being draining to me, I took care to be aware of how I was feeling and protect myself.

I did things I needed to do, but I spaced them out and went about them with more awareness, so I wasn’t wearing myself out.  I went grocery shopping for my apartment, I took my friend out horseback riding, I emailed my resume and sample writing articles to some job contacts that were interested in me.  I tried not to worry about shifting my old furniture out (right now it’s just sitting in the middle of the room) or about getting pictures on the wall, or getting everything set up.  For me, this was hard, because I’m a very proactive person, but I kept telling myself to take one thing at a time.  For now, getting the furniture I loved in the apartment was a big step, and I didn’t have to hurry to make it all look perfect just yet.

I had two things this week that were big for my physically.  The first was a tattoo.  This wasn’t a large tattoo, just a small lotus flower on my left wrist.  It was also my seventh tattoo, so not a big deal for me, but still, getting a tattoo means taking care of it, and time to let your body heal.  Again, however, I’d been on the waiting list to get this for the last month, and although it was physically draining to me, I felt the emotional booster from it was worth it.

The other physical task for me this week was that I was having laser eye surgery done on Thursday.  Now this would be much more taxing than the tattoo, but again, something I’d been wanting to get ever since I could remember.  I have really bad nearsightedness, and have had to wear glasses since I was about four or five years old.  I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need glasses or contacts.  I have worn contacts since I was eleven, but within the last year they started rubbing against my eyes and giving me frequent eye infections.  As a result of the infections, and to prepare for the laser eye surgery, I have had to wear my glasses constantly for the last month – and I despise my glasses.  So I was really looking forward to the surgery – and afterward, being able to see with my own eyes!

Another thing about the surgery and the tattoo, and I don’t know if this was good or not, but they gave me good excuses to take it easy for the week.  I know I should be able to take it easy just on my own, but when this was something totally foreign to me, it helped to have an excuse.  Both the tattoo artist and the eye doctor told me to relax and give myself some time off to just lie around and recover.  Even before my eye surgery, the doctor wanted me rested and pampered.  They gave me Valium for the surgery, and told me they just wanted me to go home and take some Vicodin and sleep, so that’s just what I did.  My dad and his caregiver brought me take-away sushi for dinner, and then I went back to sleep.  The next morning, I was just fine and could see perfectly! It was miraculous, I felt like a character in a bible story.  But I continued the extra-self care especially since I knew my body was still healing.  I let myself lie around and watch movies (something I never do without friends).  I napped.  I went shopping.  My dad was extremely worried about me – he worries extra since he had the stroke – so dealing with that was a little bit stressful, but besides that I had a great time letting myself rest and recuperate.

That night I went out with friends to my boyfriend Jess’s DJ night to celebrate my new vision.  Not only did I have a great time seeing my friends – it’s amazing how pleasantly glad you are to see people when you’ve given yourself the proper time you need to yourself – it was also a very eventful night, and I got a little more practice with being assertive.

It hadn’t gone long into the night when some guy trying to start trouble starting having a go at Jess, who was DJing.  Jess isn’t one to take any crap, especially from a guy who’s looking to start a fight, and was intent on giving him a good punch in the face if Casey, the bar owner, didn’t throw him out.  Some girl made some nasty comments about Jess’s reaction, and I turned right around and told her what she was saying was certainly not the case, and I was his girlfriend so she could answer to me.  She immediately backed down and commended me on “standing up for my man.”  I don’t know if that’s something I would have done before I started this work with TC or not.  I’m usually pretty good about sticking up for my friends, just not myself, but with this scene going on at the bar and everyone getting all hot about it, in the past I might have been too timid of getting in the middle, and just pretended I didn’t hear what she was saying.

Later on, after lots of rowdiness, everyone was dancing, and this creepy guy who was by himself started going around groping all the girl’s asses.  He lightly touched mine, which was when I was alerted to what was going on.  I whirled right around and stuck my finger in his face and told him if he so much as tried that again, I would slap him.  Then I heard the other girls complaining about him, so I told them, “let’s go up and tell Casey and get him thrown out,” so we did, and Casey threw him out.  Then he snuck back in, so Casey threw him out again.  It was an eventful night, but I was proud of myself for standing up to whatever I didn’t like and, as TC said, taking the “high road” instead of letting it slide by and taking the “low road.”

Things were better with Jess this week also.  He was still stressed out, but with my self-care, I was able to just do my thing and not worry about him, and also be supportive to him when I would see him.  As TC had told me, I can’t change him, but I can change myself.  He had four papers to write, recording to do on the weekend, was fighting off a flu, and, I just learned that Friday was the anniversary of his mother’s death.  That’s a lot to be going through.  I totally understood if he was stressed and needed space.  And again, it was another good excuse for me to give myself space.  If Jess was available and wanted to hang out, I probably would have been hanging out with him.  I needed to give myself time and space to myself and continue my good R & R.

Jess and I spent the weekend soaking up the sun in LA and flew back to Portland on Sunday night.  Even though I’d only just had our first session on Saturday, I wanted to get started into our routine right away, so I arranged with TC to start our first phone session on Monday (from then on we would “meet” on the phone every Monday at 12).

I was so excited from all the new information about boundaries I’d been given on Saturday that I was chomping at the bit to roll with this.  I’d already thought of two big boundaries for my life: no more sloppy drunk behavior from my friends, if they wanted to stay my friends, and people aren’t allowed to yell at me.  I wanted to make more! The more I thought about boundaries, the more defined my life felt.  It was something I’d always been missing.

I especially wanted to set some boundaries with my mom.  My mom is the sweetest woman in the world, and I love her more than anything, however she’s also extremely needy and clingy, and I think all the recent goings on with my dad had kind of pushed her over the edge into a world of denial.  (My parents got divorced six years ago after 33 years although have stayed friends, but since that my mom has also had to deal with my dad’s seriously crazy, bitchy girlfriends, and now the stroke that has completely changed him physically and mentally).  As soon as I got on the phone to TC for our session that day I brought this idea up to TC.

“Whoa, there,” TC said.  “Let’s slow down.  It’s great you’re so excited about setting boundaries, but your relationship with your mom is an extremely important one.  Let’s practice setting boundaries and being assertive on some less important ones first.”

Oh yeah – she was right.  In all my excitement about boundaries I forgot my mom is also insecure and ultra sensitive.  Not a good combination for a boundaries beginner.

“I want you to keep working on your boundaries,” TC told me, “but let’s not jump off the high dive before we can swim.  First, let me give you some terms to think about.”

I wrote them down in my notebook while she told me.

1.     Boundaries

2.     Standards

3.     Toleration

“Each supports the other and each builds on the other,” TC explained.  She gave me an analogy of a teacup filled with tea.  “The tea is your life essence, your energy, and for every one thing you tolerate, you get one crack in the side of the tea cup.  Each crack starts draining away your energy.  You have to raise your standards and set boundaries around those standards to repair the cracks and strengthen the sides of the cup so your energy is protected.”

TC sent me a Tolerations Checklist, which was a list I should make of all the things that I’m tolerating in my life right now, from big important things to the minutest annoyance.  “Even if they’re things you can’t change,” she said.  “Just write them down.”  The Tolerations Checklist was something she said she does also every so often.  “It’s just good for checking in with your boundaries and standards.  There may be things you’re tolerating that are draining away your energy that you don’t even realize.”

Again, the phone session was perfect.  There was nothing I felt I was missing from not seeing TC in person.  We talked about my relationships with my friends, and ideas for how to talk to them assertively and communicate my new boundaries without being angry, or also taking to lower road of avoidance.  The hour went by quickly under TC’s guidance, and before long it was time to finish up.

I went straight to my email and started filling in the Tolerations Checklist.

During my drive to the office yesterday I was listening to Led Zeppelin on my crappy car stereo. You know when you have those moments that a song just rocks you so hard? Well that happened, (always feels sooo good). I want to say the song was Whole Lotta Love, but truth be told I can’t remember what song it was.

Last night I was having a hard time getting to sleep, that seems to be happening a lot this week and it’s a frustrating four in the morning before sleep finally comes. I only sleep for a few hours but my dreams are amazing!

I have this dream that I am at a picnic/barbeque situation where there are these stairs that everyone is walking up and down.  While I am walking up the stairs Jimmy Page and Robert Plant are walking down the stairs.  At the moment that Jimmy and I pass each other on the stairway we lock eyes and he peers into my soul.  His piercing eyes were so powerful and it felt soooo good. The dream goes on — as dreams have a tendency to do.  Jimmy and Robert stayed at the party for a while and everyone had a good time.

When I woke up this morning and remembered my dream, I thought it odd that Jimmy assumed the starring role as I have always been more of a Robert Plant girl. I remember the first time I met Robert out in front of the Sunset Marquis in 1980-something and I can recall every interaction we have had since. Robert leaves an indelible impression with his British wit and rock star charm.  I did a tour with Joan Jett in the late 80’s while she did an opening stint for one of Robert Plant’s side projects.  It was a thrill from start to finish, knowing that I was in the presence of such rock and roll greatness and getting to watch Robert’s show every night.  (Not to mention Joan Jett’s performance — she’s no scrub herself — but that’s another story all together.)  My point is: I have no history with Jimmy Page have only met him once in passing and he’s not really a person I think about.  How did he get to be the star of my dream, and who gave him permission to pierce my soul?

I know that I have been processing through dream in a very powerful way lately; I believe we all do, although some of us are more conscious of it than others, and then there are those who simply don’t remember their dreams.

So what does Jimmy Page represent?  He represents a guitar God, a masculine power. I feel in this instance he was representing MANHOOD.  I believe when Jimmy Paige looked into my soul he was inviting me in, not to hang out but to graduate from the relationships I have been having with men.  An invitation to step into my power and grow.  Permission to focus my intentions in such a powerful way that I will finally call forth the partnership that I have been craving.  Jimmy and I also passed, (bye bye), a few other people on the stairs whose names shall go unmentioned. I know this dream represents an opportunity for me.  An opportunity to break old patterns and let go of the past.

Thank you Jimmy Page for showing me the door to my partnership power!

The universe always gives us the opportunity to grow.  We never know how it will show up or who will bring it, but it is always there right in front of us.

Set the intention to see everything that shows up in your life as an opportunity.  This is the next step on the stairway to your personal power.

After writing this post I looked up “stairs” in the dream dictionary and this is what I found:

Staircase
To see a staircase in your dream, symbolizes change and transformation.

Stairs
To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs, indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey. The dream is also analogous to material and thoughts that are coming to the surface.

Jess texted me on a Saturday that his girlfriend was in need of a life coach. “Great!  Have her give me a call” I texted back.

I like to chat with people on the phone before we meet, I like to get a feel for that person and hear about their agenda. Camille called me the following Monday at my office we had a nice talk about how her passivity was preventing her from doing the things she wanted to do in life and how it was starting to have a negative impact on her new relationship.  We set up a coaching date for the coming Saturday then we went through the rest of the steps that get the coaching process started.

I am always excited to meet new people and help them strengthen their foundation.

This beautiful girl named Camille finds her way into my Beverly Hills office. Camille is a writer in her 20′s I had no expectations of her and it was only a short while for me to know that she was ready for change.  I can tell that she standing directly on the edge of transformation, I think to myself, this is going to be a fun client to coach.   She starts telling me about her dramatic personal and family experiences over the past twelve months and how she is at the end of her rope. I don’t blame her, she has been through a lot, Camille is BURNT OUT.

I do realize that most of the time I am meeting people I am their first experience with a life coach,  I always want that experience to be pain free and five star. The first time I made a cold call to a life coach I had butterfly’s in my stomach.  I don’t know why, I think I was in fear of her expectations of me, how would I measure up?

I know that it’s nerve wracking to do something  you are afraid will stretch you out of your comfort zone.  I am always trying to think of creative ways to tell people what coaching is about I want to help them understand the how and why coaching works. Since Camille is a  young writer, a coaching client and on a huge personal growth curve I thought it would be really cool if she would be willing to  share her story with us. My hope is that hearing her story will demystify the coaching process  for you the reader.  Your experiences and challenges are probably not the same as Camille’s… Or maybe they are?  I hope this series will provide the support you need to reach out for coaching if you are doubting or having some fear around asking for help.

Please allow me to introduce to you a new segment on my blog called Camille’s Coaching Crusades this is a true story written by my client Camille Pandian about her experience of coaching with me from the beginning.

Introducing Camille’s Coaching Crusades

My Intro to TC…

I didn’t really think I had anything I needed to  improve about myself until my boyfriend of one month told me that I was passive and a pushover.  Take into account this is one month into our brand new relationship and I was head over heels in love with him.  We were also on our first vacation together in New Orleans.  He’d been grumpy with me all day, and finally sat me down and told me this news.

I was shocked.  I considered myself a very strong person.  I reacted extremely defensively.  I told him he obviously didn’t really know me, or anything I’d been through.  I cried.  I pouted.   He eventually calmed me down and we sat in a park after dark and talked for hours.  It ended with me promising to try to be louder and bolder, and him promising to be patient.

We went another month before things blew up again, this time though, I could see the pattern with my own eyes.  I brought a girlfriend to my boyfriend’s DJ night. In all the time I’ve known her she could never hold her alcohol.  She would be plastered after only a couple drinks.  Well, that night she drank a lot before she even got to the club-night. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I went outside at the end of the night and saw her clinging to the wall and, giving her number out to random strange guys on the sidewalk.  She was the joke of the bar, and as she was there as my friend, it was pretty embarrassing, to say the least.  After seeing that she got home safely I went home and really thought hard about the friend’s I’d made in Portland in the last few months.  How many of them were real friends? How many did I really respect? With horror, it began to dawn on me how few friends I had that I could say I truly respected.  What good was a friendship if you didn’t respect the other person? I decided I no longer wanted to continue any “friendships” or relationships where I didn’t respect the other person.

Rather cut up by this revelation, I brooded about the next day, and finally met my boyfriend, Jess, for a movie and chat.  It still took him some prompting to get me to open up, but once I did I poured my heart out to him about my dissolved friendships as well as the trouble I was having with my mom.  The first thing he said was that I was in danger of letting passivity over run my life.  Wait.  What?? Here I was having a hard day and looking for some sympathy! But he went on.  “Just listen to yourself! You’re apologizing for complaining to me about your bad day!” It’s true, I had been.  “Why are you apologizing? Who in your life told you that it wasn’t okay to vent about a bad day?”

I froze.  No one had ever pointed that out to me before.  Moreover, it had always been normal to apologize for anything to me.  I had lived in Britain for a long time and the Brits apologize for everything.  But it’s true, who said complaining was bad? Maybe he had a point.  And what was I doing making friends with just anyone who stumbled into my life, regardless of values or standards? Wasn’t that, after all, being passive?

However, I was still in a huff.  I couldn’t believe not only was he calling me passive, but I was getting no sympathy after pouring out my heart about my bad day.  I angrily told him as much in the car.  “I’m not attacking you,” he kept saying.  “Stop being so defensive.  You have to recognize that the passivity is a part of you.  The choices you made that led to the consequences of last night were passive ones.  I mean, how do you choose your friends? Or do you choose them?”  He parked on the side of a street and again we talked for hours in the dark car.  This was when I first heard TC’s name.  “I know someone who could help you with this,” he said as he parked.  “I used to see this life coach in LA.  Her name was TC Conroy.  She told me so many things I didn’t want to hear about myself, and it was so hard to sit there and listen.  But I made myself listen.  I would force myself to sit there and take notes.  She completely turned my life around.”

Right away I was determined to see her.  I knew he was right.  I was terrified of being passive, like my mother, but it was undoubtedly controlling a big part of my life.  I was willing to do whatever it took to improve my life.  A highly-rated life coach in LA sounded like a good start.  We were planning on going to LA for the weekend anyway the 1^st of October, which was in two weeks.  I hounded him to contact her and see if she could squeeze me in.

Sure enough, not only could she squeeze me in, she wanted to chat with me on the phone as soon as I had a spare moment.  I was thrilled with my proactivity.  I may be passive, but I am never lazy.  I had a good impression of TC from the moment I said hello to her on the phone.  I was a little worried someone with so much publicity might be hard and overbearing, especially after what Jess had said.  But the voice from the other end of the phone was warm and friendly and immediately put me at ease.  I actually despise the phone.  I hate not being able to see the other person I’m talking to.  I have been told by employers I have fantastic phone manners, but I personally feel awkward on them.  However, awkwardness was nonexistent with TC.  In our first ten minute conversation, she guided the conversation effortlessly.  I felt thoroughly listened to but she never let me get distracted.  I got across the main points I wanted to work on, as well as some of my background, and I got a feeling of her just over the phone.  I thought we were going to make an excellent team.

Over the next two weeks I filled out the forms she had emailed to me, tried to be more aware of when I was being passive and what I might be able to do about it, and eagerly looked forward to our face-to-face meeting in LA.

Tune in next week for Camille’s re-cap of our first coaching session.

We are all a part of the Evolution Revolution

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When you love yourself no one can knock you off your course.

There is no better accessory than self-confidence.It’s February and we are surrounded by heightened expectations and Hallmark love. It doesn’t matter if you buy into the hype or not, we are all impacted by our own concepts of love and everything that goes along with it. Many people come to me for coaching because they are dissatisfied with their love lives. They feel stuck in a rut and they are tired of eating dinner alone and spending Friday nights with their television. The disconnect is that they think some great person is going to magically appear and make it all better for them. That might work in the short term, but once the glow wears off (and it always does) they are right back where they started, and it’s even worse because now they are hurt or pissed off because they didn’t get their needs met and are in the process of a crappy break up.I’m not trying to be a valentine bummer, if you are brimming with self-confidence and working from attraction, then please forward this e-mail to someone who needs it more than you do! However, if you think your happiness and well being is someone else’s responsibility then you are on the path to disappointment. You are not going to attract the healthy lasting meaningful love that you desire unless and until you get your relationship with yourself pulled together in a deep and meaningful way. I mean, who wants to start a relationship filled with the silent expectation that they are responsible for the other person’s happiness and well being? Talk about a handicap! You are doomed from the start. Stop looking for someone to fix you. When you fix you, you can attract someone really great into your life.Here’s the shift. Refuse to spend another Valentines Day feeling sorry for yourself, spend this Valentines day and the rest of the year, giving yourself love. Ask yourself, how can I improve my relationship with me? What can I do to empower myself? We create this shift by getting really clear on what we need to feel good about ourselves.Tune into your deepest feelings, what is it that makes you happy? Not new shoes or new guitar happy, that’s too fleeting. I’m talking a deep and lasting happy, one that’s filled with contentment and satisfaction. Commit to a long term investment in your relationship with self. When you like yourself, when you love yourself, when you are happy with who you are, you become brave, you get comfortable in your own skin and the irony is that you become immensely attractive to other people because they now want what you have. Now your attracting, not seeking.So if you don’t have a Valentine this Feb. 14th (or even if you do) then dust yourself off and do for you what you what you need to be happy. It’s not silly! Take yourself out, treat yourself to something special, show yourself some love, but really observe it. Let it sink in. It’s all about needs, and if your needs aren’t getting met you have no one but yourself to blame. It’s not the other guy, this ones on you. Take some self-responsibility and get yourself happy, It’s not just a sexy look, it’s an important part of your personal foundation.Internet phenomenon, Chris Crocker, got it right in his video blog. Watch his self-love how-to here http://www.westcoastcoaching.com. I would post it here, but am not yet video-capable thru wordpress!!Thank you for reading!!