self care

Blog Day 6, My First Week Of Aware Self-Care:

So post our session on Monday, I really decided to try putting TC’s homework for me into my daily life.  Everything I thought about doing, I thought beforehand, is this going to drain my energy, or add to it? I had a busy week scheduled.  I was moving back into my own apartment again, from my dad’s – I’d been living with my dad for the last year to take care of him after he had a major stroke last year.  But now I’d gotten caregivers set up on a 24 hour schedule, his doctors all set up, he had formed good bonds with all the caregivers, and I felt like I could start transitioning back to my own life again.  So this week I was starting to move back to my old apartment.

One of the things I wanted to do in moving back to my old apartment was shift out a lot of the old furniture.  When I’d moved in last year, I’d come from Boston and from being overseas for a long time, and so I just took hand-me-down furniture from my dad and his at-the-time girlfriend.  But after the girlfriend had turned out to be one of the most selfish, horrible people I’d ever met, I didn’t really want her things in my apartment anymore, not to mention if this was truly going to be my own space, that I so needed right now, I really wanted things in it that I really loved.  So I started going around to vintage and antique stores.  I had found an amazing French sette and matching chair from the 1800’s that were really from France, and an old antique dresser.  This week I was scheduled to go pick them up and move them into my apartment.

Before going to get them, I thought about my homework from TC.  I knew the physical act of moving these furniture pieces into my apartment would be draining, but the emotional boost of having them in there – totally my style and things I loved – I thought would be worth it.  I got my boyfriend Jess to help, and my friend’s husband Paul, and together, it really wasn’t so bad.  After we moved the sofa we went and had a really nice dinner at an upscale restaurant since everyone was hungry.  Maybe since I was aware it was an activity that had the potential for being draining to me, I took care to be aware of how I was feeling and protect myself.

I did things I needed to do, but I spaced them out and went about them with more awareness, so I wasn’t wearing myself out.  I went grocery shopping for my apartment, I took my friend out horseback riding, I emailed my resume and sample writing articles to some job contacts that were interested in me.  I tried not to worry about shifting my old furniture out (right now it’s just sitting in the middle of the room) or about getting pictures on the wall, or getting everything set up.  For me, this was hard, because I’m a very proactive person, but I kept telling myself to take one thing at a time.  For now, getting the furniture I loved in the apartment was a big step, and I didn’t have to hurry to make it all look perfect just yet.

I had two things this week that were big for my physically.  The first was a tattoo.  This wasn’t a large tattoo, just a small lotus flower on my left wrist.  It was also my seventh tattoo, so not a big deal for me, but still, getting a tattoo means taking care of it, and time to let your body heal.  Again, however, I’d been on the waiting list to get this for the last month, and although it was physically draining to me, I felt the emotional booster from it was worth it.

The other physical task for me this week was that I was having laser eye surgery done on Thursday.  Now this would be much more taxing than the tattoo, but again, something I’d been wanting to get ever since I could remember.  I have really bad nearsightedness, and have had to wear glasses since I was about four or five years old.  I can’t remember a time when I didn’t need glasses or contacts.  I have worn contacts since I was eleven, but within the last year they started rubbing against my eyes and giving me frequent eye infections.  As a result of the infections, and to prepare for the laser eye surgery, I have had to wear my glasses constantly for the last month – and I despise my glasses.  So I was really looking forward to the surgery – and afterward, being able to see with my own eyes!

Another thing about the surgery and the tattoo, and I don’t know if this was good or not, but they gave me good excuses to take it easy for the week.  I know I should be able to take it easy just on my own, but when this was something totally foreign to me, it helped to have an excuse.  Both the tattoo artist and the eye doctor told me to relax and give myself some time off to just lie around and recover.  Even before my eye surgery, the doctor wanted me rested and pampered.  They gave me Valium for the surgery, and told me they just wanted me to go home and take some Vicodin and sleep, so that’s just what I did.  My dad and his caregiver brought me take-away sushi for dinner, and then I went back to sleep.  The next morning, I was just fine and could see perfectly! It was miraculous, I felt like a character in a bible story.  But I continued the extra-self care especially since I knew my body was still healing.  I let myself lie around and watch movies (something I never do without friends).  I napped.  I went shopping.  My dad was extremely worried about me – he worries extra since he had the stroke – so dealing with that was a little bit stressful, but besides that I had a great time letting myself rest and recuperate.

That night I went out with friends to my boyfriend Jess’s DJ night to celebrate my new vision.  Not only did I have a great time seeing my friends – it’s amazing how pleasantly glad you are to see people when you’ve given yourself the proper time you need to yourself – it was also a very eventful night, and I got a little more practice with being assertive.

It hadn’t gone long into the night when some guy trying to start trouble starting having a go at Jess, who was DJing.  Jess isn’t one to take any crap, especially from a guy who’s looking to start a fight, and was intent on giving him a good punch in the face if Casey, the bar owner, didn’t throw him out.  Some girl made some nasty comments about Jess’s reaction, and I turned right around and told her what she was saying was certainly not the case, and I was his girlfriend so she could answer to me.  She immediately backed down and commended me on “standing up for my man.”  I don’t know if that’s something I would have done before I started this work with TC or not.  I’m usually pretty good about sticking up for my friends, just not myself, but with this scene going on at the bar and everyone getting all hot about it, in the past I might have been too timid of getting in the middle, and just pretended I didn’t hear what she was saying.

Later on, after lots of rowdiness, everyone was dancing, and this creepy guy who was by himself started going around groping all the girl’s asses.  He lightly touched mine, which was when I was alerted to what was going on.  I whirled right around and stuck my finger in his face and told him if he so much as tried that again, I would slap him.  Then I heard the other girls complaining about him, so I told them, “let’s go up and tell Casey and get him thrown out,” so we did, and Casey threw him out.  Then he snuck back in, so Casey threw him out again.  It was an eventful night, but I was proud of myself for standing up to whatever I didn’t like and, as TC said, taking the “high road” instead of letting it slide by and taking the “low road.”

Things were better with Jess this week also.  He was still stressed out, but with my self-care, I was able to just do my thing and not worry about him, and also be supportive to him when I would see him.  As TC had told me, I can’t change him, but I can change myself.  He had four papers to write, recording to do on the weekend, was fighting off a flu, and, I just learned that Friday was the anniversary of his mother’s death.  That’s a lot to be going through.  I totally understood if he was stressed and needed space.  And again, it was another good excuse for me to give myself space.  If Jess was available and wanted to hang out, I probably would have been hanging out with him.  I needed to give myself time and space to myself and continue my good R & R.

Learning Self-Care:

The next day was Monday, and our official scheduled phone session.  That morning was a disaster for me.  These apartments can lock from the inside, which creates a problem when you’re especially scatterbrained like I was feeling.  I had an appointment at 10am, but ran out of the apartment leaving the keys on the kitchen counter, and locking the door behind me.  As soon as I was outside I realized what I’d done.  My apartment and car keys are all on the same ring, so I couldn’t even drive to my appointment and then figure out what to do.  Luckily I still had my phone, so I was able to google a locksmith to come let me back in, but this took over an hour until they even got out.  I had to cancel my appointment, and the locksmith let me back into my apartment at 11:58, precisely two minutes to spare before my phone appointment with TC.

So of course I was still a little frazzled when I called her.  I told her about my hectic morning.  It just seemed like a continuation of Sunday’s chaos.  “I just don’t know what’s going on with me and mornings anymore,” I said.

Well, TC did.  “You need to slow down, and take care of yourself,” she said.  “This is a sign.  You being this scatterbrained, starting to forget things and feeling frazzled like you are, this means you’re not taking care of yourself, and it’s wearing you out.  The number one lesson I want you to take away from today’s session is self-care.  And this lends itself to other things that you want to work on as well.  Once you’re taking care of yourself properly, you feel good.  When you feel good, you have more self confidence.  When you have more self confidence you are naturally more assertive.  Do you understand where I’m going with this?”

Yes, of course, now that she said it, it made perfect sense.  We went over the Tolerations Checklist that she’d given me the previous week, and I had been filling out.  I was surprised how many tolerations I’d already taken care of.  I’d told my friend kindly, but assertively that I needed to be left alone for a while and she’d understood.  I’d told my other friend to stop making snide comments if he wanted to stay my friend, and he apologized.  I’d been giving myself more time and space to myself, and so on.

“So now you’ve located the cracks in your teacup, and you’re repairing them, so your life energy doesn’t keep draining out.”

Sure, this made sense.  I have to take care of myself before I can feel strong enough to protect my standards and boundaries, or even take care of other people.

“So your homework for this week is taking care of yourself,” TC told me.  “This is your exercise this week.  Whatever you do, before you do it, ask yourself first: is this going to drain my energy, or give me energy? With everything you do.”

Our hour was up, and I hung up thinking this was going to be slightly challenging for me, but good.  As I mentioned previously, I had been brought up by a very 50’s house-wife style mom.  Though she tried to have me turn out without that baggage, independent and modern and all that, of course she couldn’t help passing those old 50’s habits on to me.  So I was very used to thinking about and helping other people.  But myself? Down to measuring each activity I do on whether it will make me feel good or not? However, this was obviously something I didn’t know how to do, and it would be good for me.  As TC had explained, taking care of myself was the first step that came before anything else.  Confidence, or assertiveness, or taking control of my life, or anything that I wanted to work on.  So I better start learning how to do it.

The Tolerations Checklist was fantastic.  I had so many things that I was tolerating.  One of my friends being too clingy, one of my friends being a bit of a dick, one of my friends only talking to me via texts when she was drunk, having to parent my dad, having no space to myself, the pushy lady at the spa who wouldn’t give me the chance to talk about getting a refund for a series of treatments I’d ordered that I didn’t want anymore, and the list went on and on.

There was something freeing about writing these things down.  Instead of lurking in the depths of my awareness, by writing them down they were brought to the fore.  And this made me start acting on them.

I talked to my friend who was being too clingy and told her I appreciated her as a friend and as a person and how much she’d supported me in the past, but I was just processing so much after this last year, and this summer, and I just really needed my own space right now, and I couldn’t be there for her right now.  I would be able to in the future again, I just didn’t know when.  She took this extremely well and was grateful to be communicating (she probably had no idea that I’d felt that way) and told me she was sorry if she’d pressured me, and to just let her know when I felt ready to hang out again.

I went in to the spa and talked to the pushy lady’s assistant (the pushy lady herself was away for two weeks) and was very firm about needing a refund.  The assistant kept telling me she wasn’t authorized to do it, but I finally got her to check with her higher-up and get the okay, and she refunded my card.

I confronted my friend who was being a dick and told him that the comments he’d made were completely unacceptable, and if he wanted to stay friends he needed to stop talking like that.  He also apologized.

Some things were going on in my romantic relationship too.  After having the most amazing time together in LA, Jess had suddenly been really off with me this whole week.  On Friday night, after a week of practicing being more assertive, I decided to bring it up.  I told him he’d been really grumpy with me all week and I wanted to know what was going on, I felt ignored and unappreciated.

It turns out a whole stew of things had been going on for him that I hadn’t known about.  His best friends had just moved across the country, he was trying to get back into the swing of classes and homework, felt he might need more space to himself, and then a big one, he was considering going travelling abroad for a year, in the future, and if he decided to do that might not be able to continue having a relationship with me.  But it was all up in the air still.

Well, of course that threw me for a loop.  I told him so, and told him how I felt about it all, and how I felt about everything being on the fence (I didn’t like it), and about how I felt about him (totally in love), and brought up possible solutions or other approaches to the travelling/long distance quandary.  It didn’t bring any of the answers that I was craving so badly, but at least we were communicating.

At the same time I was moving back into my old apartment.  For the last year after my dad had the stroke I have been living with him to take care of him, but slowly I built up a very competent team of caregivers that he has bonded well with, and they were now on a 24/7 shift schedule with him, so I could slowly start moving back into my own life.  However, this was hard for my dad.  My dad’s biggest fear has always been being alone, and even though the caregivers are around all the time providing good company for him, I’m sure this started flaring up again.  I told him I’d be spending more time at my apartment, and probably sleeping there (my apartment is five minutes down the road from his), but I also arranged to do Daddy-daughter dates Mondays and Thursdays where we would have dinner and then I’d help him get ready for bed and tuck him in.  Despite this, Dad was still sad about me being at the apartment less.  After just one day had gone by, he told me he was missing me so much, and he really wanted to see me again.  This was hard, because I felt terribly guilty for leaving.  On the other hand, I’m 26, and I needed to start getting my life back after a whole year of putting it completely on hold.

This weekend I was also supposed to do a motorcycle training class to learn how to ride.  I got to the first class just fine, and did great, but the second day my road was closed off due to a marathon and I was 45 minutes late to the class.  Even though I gave them the policeman’s card who had told me I couldn’t leave, they had a strict late policy, and my instructor was a square, so they wouldn’t let me finish the course.  This was the last straw in my already stressful weekend, and I drove a little ways, then pulled over and cried.  It was early in the morning so no one was awake, and even if they were, who could I call? I was raising my standards and that meant there were a lot of “friends” I no longer really considered friends anymore.  I had put a lot on Jess in the last few months, but I couldn’t talk to him right now because a). he was asleep and b). he was part of the problem.  Out of desperation, I tried calling my mom, but that went terribly.  She seems to have turned to her hippy friends for consolation from her problems lately, and now she talks just like them.  I was told the universe seems to be shifting things around for me, and I should go out and listen to the wisdom my horses have to offer.  I told her I had to go.  Finally I texted TC that I was having a terrible weekend and she called me and we talked for probably about a half hour.

She calmed me down and told me she wanted me to go home and spend the rest of the day doing things that were nice just for me.  “I want you to have a self-care day,” she said.  “Whatever it is that makes you feel good.  You can’t control Jess.  You can’t control your dad, or your mom.  But you can control you.  So whether it’s watching movies and eating ice cream, or having a hot bath, or whatever, I want you to go home and do that.”

I explained that I really wanted to watch movies, but the TV cables weren’t set up yet, and the furniture was all in disorder, and my suitcases weren’t even unpacked, and there wasn’t any food at the apartment.  “I want to pamper myself, but nothing’s set up to do it with,” I protested.

“Look, don’t worry about unpacking for today,” was her answer.  “I know you want to get your apartment all cute and organized, and you will, but not today, and probably not tomorrow.  Just make sure you have the basics, set up a little corner in one of the rooms that’s yours, and camp out in it.  Just get the basic what you need to take care of you.”

Then it struck me that I’d been taking care of other people so long I didn’t even know what I would want to do that was relaxing and nice for myself.  The whole concept seemed a little mind-boggling to me.

“So what you’re telling me,” said TC.  “Is that you’ve put your own life on the shelf and you put it up so high and for so long that you’ve forgotten where you put it or what’s even up there.”

That was exactly it.  I needed to get it back down and wipe that dust off.

We talked a little more until she was sure I was calm and focused again.  I drove back home.  I still couldn’t get back to my apartment because of the marathon, but I finally parked some blocks away and just walked back.  I had a long, hot bath with candles, and spent the afternoon reading my book (which I haven’t gotten to do since I can’t remember when), and then my best girlfriend brought wine and snacks over and we had a good girl talk.  This was Sunday, and TC and I would continue the self-care lesson the following day.

Jess and I spent the weekend soaking up the sun in LA and flew back to Portland on Sunday night.  Even though I’d only just had our first session on Saturday, I wanted to get started into our routine right away, so I arranged with TC to start our first phone session on Monday (from then on we would “meet” on the phone every Monday at 12).

I was so excited from all the new information about boundaries I’d been given on Saturday that I was chomping at the bit to roll with this.  I’d already thought of two big boundaries for my life: no more sloppy drunk behavior from my friends, if they wanted to stay my friends, and people aren’t allowed to yell at me.  I wanted to make more! The more I thought about boundaries, the more defined my life felt.  It was something I’d always been missing.

I especially wanted to set some boundaries with my mom.  My mom is the sweetest woman in the world, and I love her more than anything, however she’s also extremely needy and clingy, and I think all the recent goings on with my dad had kind of pushed her over the edge into a world of denial.  (My parents got divorced six years ago after 33 years although have stayed friends, but since that my mom has also had to deal with my dad’s seriously crazy, bitchy girlfriends, and now the stroke that has completely changed him physically and mentally).  As soon as I got on the phone to TC for our session that day I brought this idea up to TC.

“Whoa, there,” TC said.  “Let’s slow down.  It’s great you’re so excited about setting boundaries, but your relationship with your mom is an extremely important one.  Let’s practice setting boundaries and being assertive on some less important ones first.”

Oh yeah – she was right.  In all my excitement about boundaries I forgot my mom is also insecure and ultra sensitive.  Not a good combination for a boundaries beginner.

“I want you to keep working on your boundaries,” TC told me, “but let’s not jump off the high dive before we can swim.  First, let me give you some terms to think about.”

I wrote them down in my notebook while she told me.

1.     Boundaries

2.     Standards

3.     Toleration

“Each supports the other and each builds on the other,” TC explained.  She gave me an analogy of a teacup filled with tea.  “The tea is your life essence, your energy, and for every one thing you tolerate, you get one crack in the side of the tea cup.  Each crack starts draining away your energy.  You have to raise your standards and set boundaries around those standards to repair the cracks and strengthen the sides of the cup so your energy is protected.”

TC sent me a Tolerations Checklist, which was a list I should make of all the things that I’m tolerating in my life right now, from big important things to the minutest annoyance.  “Even if they’re things you can’t change,” she said.  “Just write them down.”  The Tolerations Checklist was something she said she does also every so often.  “It’s just good for checking in with your boundaries and standards.  There may be things you’re tolerating that are draining away your energy that you don’t even realize.”

Again, the phone session was perfect.  There was nothing I felt I was missing from not seeing TC in person.  We talked about my relationships with my friends, and ideas for how to talk to them assertively and communicate my new boundaries without being angry, or also taking to lower road of avoidance.  The hour went by quickly under TC’s guidance, and before long it was time to finish up.

I went straight to my email and started filling in the Tolerations Checklist.

Meeting TC:

Saturday afternoon at last rolled around.  It was a sunny and hot Saturday afternoon, unsurprising in Los Angeles.

I’m not generally a person who gets nervous at first meetings.  I feel like I make a good impression.  I’m great with parents, fabulous at interviews.  I don’t generally carry pre-conceived judgments about people, and I generally like people on first impression (sometimes to my detriment).  I was excited to meet TC after hearing so much about her and feeling sure that she was the one person right now who could really get my life on fast track to where I wanted it to be.  Still, it’s always a little bit unnerving to meet someone who is so famous for what they do, and, according to Jess, a real ass-kicker.  Although our phone conversation had been warm and laid back, I still had an image in my mind of TC as some sort of female, picture-perfect Terminator.

Needless to say, I was pleasantly surprised, and relieved, to walk into her office to find calming zen fountains, a comfortable sofa and chairs, and the room painted in darker, calming tones, with lamps in the corners for atmospheric but not intrusive light.  TC herself was sat behind her desk as we walked in and jumped up to welcome us.  She was smaller and slimmer than I imagined, but even warmer and friendlier than my impression of her had been over the phone.  She was even wearing fantastic heels, “for my sake, I knew you’d appreciate them,” she said.  My lingering image of her as the Terminator vanished.  She seemed achievement oriented, yet down-to-earth at the same time.  I immediately felt like she was someone I could connect to.

Jess left to wait for me outside and TC invited me to make myself comfortable on the sofa.  “Help yourself to bottles of water, or anything you want,” she said, and we immediately plunged into conversation.  I told her about my frustrations with trying to fight the passivity I’d inherited from my mom, but despite my resistance, feeling like the passivity was still winning.  What could I do? I was so eager to change.

“It won’t take you long at all to beat this, Camille,” is what TC told me.  “Do you know why it won’t take you long? Because you want to change it.”

This gave me a lot of hope.  I have always believed that attitude and mental awareness is the key to changing anything in life.  But it’s always nice to hear your life coach verify your feelings.

We talked about everything, from my mother’s 50’s housewife passivity to my verbally abusive ex-husband, to my father’s stroke last year that led me to give up my life and take care of him full time until just recently when I had caregivers set up enough to start taking over for me.  There wasn’t a clock in two and a half hours of her time! I felt so comfortable talking, I probably could have gone on all afternoon.  Again, as she had on the phone, TC gave me excellent guidance, so I never rambled off-topic.  She also introduced our first concept for me to think about.  Boundaries.

Tune in next week to hear how Camille applies what she learns in her coaching sessions.

It’s not Just a Russell Simmons book, it’s a call to action.

Most of the people I have been coaching lately feel as if they have been through the proverbial ringer, myself included at times. The past two years have been rough, to say the least. It feels like we are constantly being tested with so much change and transition. It’s easy to become disillusioned and overwhelmed. We find ourselves asking, what on earth is going on?

This is our wake up call.

Systems both personal and global are in the process of breaking down so they can be reborn. My friend and associate, Jennifer Matthews, said it best when she said the Universe has been gently nudging us for years, but we kept ignoring it, so now we are being shown things in a way that is so aggressive and uncomfortable, it can no longer be ignored.

Can you say oil spill?

The Universe is going to continue to kick our asses until we GET IT.

So what can you do?

DO YOU.

It all starts with you.  You are powerless over so many things, but you have all the power in the world to take care of yourself in a way that impacts your relationships and environment and eventually carries over into the mass consciousness. This is your God given birthright.

Own your power.

Summer is a time of re-birth and rejuvenation.

I support you in tapping into the solar energy of the summer to reinvent a powerful new you, who can easily navigate the current global climate.

Start by asking yourself honestly…

Where am I out of alignment with my integrity?

Where am I being dishonest with myself?

What do I need to upgrade in my life?

What takes me out of my power and zaps my energy?

What am I holding onto that is outdated and no longer serves me?

Let go of attachments.

Get out of ego and into integrity.

The most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. When you are truthful with yourself, the right answers will start to appear.

It is our responsibility to be strong and be in our power so we can send the power of good into the world.

I know that these are trying times indeed.

I am 100% vested in showing you how to be in your strength and take claim of your personal power.  From this place you can create anything you want for yourself those you love and this beautiful world we live in.

If you are ready to step into your power and start feeling great give me a call I would love to coach you.

Warmly,

T.C. Conroy

West Coast Coaching